After watching an episode a the "True blood" series lately, I had a weird idea about a not so usual description of vampires. I thought it was worth being published, as it may be fun to read.
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People think vampires are cool. Believe me: they are not. They litterally
suck.
First of all, they are not the powerfull, superhuman creatures we sometimes
picture them as. They're actually pretty weak. After all, try to remember
that those things are half-dead. You can't expect them to have super strengh,
speed or whatever: they just don't have enough energy. Any adult human can
easily beat any vampire up, with no weapon whatsoever, just with bare fists.
They are also much more sensitive to light as one can imagine. To them, any
UV source is lethal, not just the sun. You can instantly kill a vampire just
by flashing him in the face with a not-so-powerfull light torch. Vampires
basically support only dim lights such as moon or candles. And even candles
can kill them if there are too many of them. What is true though, is that if
you do not have any bright light source around, killing a vampire can be
tricky. Bullets won't work: they'll just knock him down, but he will stand
back until you run out of amno. You can beat him using your bare fists as I
said, but again he will always stand up and go back to you until you are tired.
Using a large knife can be usefull if you can cut enough body parts so the
monster won't be able to walk anymore. But you won't kill him and you'll just
end up with a disgusting moving creature lying in your living room.
Fortunately, staking a vampire right in the heart will work just as the legend
says, so it should be the prefered vampire killing method when you do not have
any bright light source around (and this is not so improbable, as a vampire
will never approach you if he thinks you do).
The second thing people should know about vampires is that they really, really
want your blood. They are much more blood-thirsty than one can imagine: sucking
human blood is the only thing their miserable existence is about. However
sophisticated, civilised or smart was the human that the vampire was before
he became a vampire, this has all disappeared. All vampires are just stupid,
desperatly thirsty blood suckers. Forget about the romantic picture of a
polite, delicate vampire, with whom you could have long philosophical debates
all night long. They may talk to you in a polite way, and to a naïve,
superficial listener, a vampire may look like a civilised person. But don't
be fooled. This short speech in front of your door-step, is a supreme effort
that the vampire is making in order not to look like what he is: a
blood-thirsty animal. Because he is so weak, because you could kill him so
easily, glamouring you with some sweet talk is the only way he can enter your
house and suck your blood without alerting your neighbors.
The analogy with sex is actually quite good. When a man wants to biblically
know a woman, he can't just use force unless he's willing to face the anger of
society. He usually has to talk his way in. There are many tricks, many of
them involving lies, I guess. Well, it's quite the same for vampires, except
that they will target men and women indiscriminately. They must convince you
to let them in, so that they can discretely do their nasty business and then
go back quietly to their coffin before dawn. And they are usually pretty good
at this little game. After all, they often had several years, sometimes
centuries, to perfect this art. All they have to do is to use the natural
human curiosity and a few psychological tricks to get your attention, and soon
enough you'll let such a monster in, because you'll think he just need to make
a phone call, he just want to talk because he feels lonely, or whatever
bullshit he's been telling you.
Once he's in, once the door is shut and the vampire is convinced nobody's
watching, he won't waste any time and will immediatly bite your throat. Now,
partly because this would probably be the first time you feel this, and partly
because the vampire's mouth is full of active biochemical substances, you will
feel weird enough not to react immediatly. Because of natural human curiosity
again, you will let him go on, as a part of you will want to see where this is
going. A girl probably feels something like that when a boy gets very active
on her for the first time. Anyway, a few seconds later it will be too late to
have any defensive reaction: neuro-paralizers in the vampire's saliva will
have knocked you down already. The next morning, you'll wake up with a
terrible headache, a bad general health condition and two big red dots on your
neck.
So forget pretty much everything you think you know about vampires. If I had
to summarize what a vampire is in a few words, I'd say this: « giant, talking
mosquito »
If you ever encounter one, just grab the brightest light source you can find
and make this ugly creature vanish in an instant.
