Topic: Asking for Critique on a Novel Plot (Read 347 times)

Cool, yeah it's starting to sound like a much more plausible plot already!

The reason I don't like the idea of mixing "magic" with "advanced technology" in a story is because I think it's a thematic contradiction. Whoever controls the "advanced technology" would be certainly researching the "magic" and trying to find out how it works. And if it's real magic, that can't be proven by science, then it makes all the earlier technology (mind control, implants, trackers, surveillance etc.) a bit pointless because that could all have been magic too.

It just seems like a bit of a kick in the balls to the reader, because the whole world you've established is based on computers and technology, and then it seems like lazy writing if you just start throwing in magical spells and magical forcefields. I'm not trying to be rude here, just giving my personal opinion. 

Mixing magic and sci-fi together is a very hard thing to pull off, a few books and films have done it (Stars Wars, Stranger in a Strange Land, Superman etc.) but they get away with it by implying/explaining that it isn't really magic, just advanced science that isn't understood.

Perhaps the inhabitants of Planet Grogan could possess some sort of secret resource, that allows them to use technology more advanced than The Jennie uses, that seems like magic but actually is scientifically explainable. Maybe a massive power source of some kind, or a previously unknown chemical element, (or even a chemical compound that is produced by alien creatures living on the planet), that gives them the power to create the forcefield. Then when they are invaded, the reason for the war on Planet Grogan could be "They came for Radcliffe, but then discovered this new, previously unknown resource and decided they wanted it for themselves. And so they sent all their ships and declared war".

I recently watched another episode of "Black Mirror" - called "Men Against Fire". I don't want to spoil it in case you watch it, but there are a few concepts in there that could give you some ideas about why everyone might be so "dumbed-down" at the start of your story. One of the key concepts in the episode is soldiers that have optical implants giving them an advantage on the battlefield (like a HUD in a game), but the implants are controlled by the authorities and can change the soldiers' perceptions of their environment.

I'd definitely recommend you check out all the Black Mirror episodes, they are all standalone short stories so you don't need to watch them in order, I'd start with the most recent Series 3 and watch the earlier ones if you like them. I'm sure they'd give you some more inspiration for your story!

Just throwing some ideas out there man!

Q: I'm not sure about introducing actual magical elements to the plot when you've already established a futuristic cyberpunk world with mind control etc, it doesn't make sense and introduces loads of plot holes.

A: I may need more specific details about the plot holes, one hole at a time, so I can know exactly what to fill.

Q: The beginning sounds very similar to a recent episode of "Black Mirror" (called Nosedive), which itself is a dystopian vision of social media.

A: I haven't really seen the episode, but the point of the story is similar, although more brutal.

Q: Maybe try and work out why only the lower class people know about the spying, and why they aren't just wiped out by the government, perhaps there could be a genetic/technological reason that the A-listers can't see the truth?

A: The lower class weren't wiped out because the Jennie was more concerned about the culprit than the people getting the information, although it should be noted that some of whom Radcliffe did tell were secretly imprisoned.. Also, the A-listers are so focused on their technology that they refuse to help the homeless...in other words, brain-dumbness.

Q: Also your protagonist Radcliffe Rock sounds cool but I'm not sure he needs to have 7 ninja friends, sounds like a rip off of the 7 dwarves or Lord of the rings. If you start adding too many characters it gets very hard to develop them.

A: You're right, that is a bit of a ripoff. I'll try to make it just one character. I'm gonna pick Marshall, as he always tries to tell jokes about gang-banging a bunch of bitches.

Q: Also it seems unlikely that these guys just steal a ship and happen to find a paradise planet, and the Jennie needs a tracking device to find out where they've gone. Why didn't the Jennie know about this planet before, and plunder its resources?

A: Planet Grogan wasn't full of technology like all the other planets were, and they had a magical forcefield shielding them from being detected, which can actually damage the lens on some of the space sensors. As for the ship being stolen, Radcliffe and, let's now say Marshall, were running for their lives for two minutes and then they (unknowingly) trespassed a restricted area containing the ship. Unknowingly because when they passed the NO TRESPASSING sign, both Radcliffe and Marshall were looking back to see if the Jennie were still chasing them. As far as the tracking device goes, as they were being chased, one of the Jennie realized that it was no use catching up to them because they were going into outer space, and once you are in space, the temperature gets freezing cold, especially for ships that belong to the Jennie (the ship they used was an exception because it used a certain mineral that preserved heat, one that was so fucking hard to find in Zuck), so he threw a tracking device on the left wing of the ship.

Q: Maybe Radcliffe could open up some sort of wormhole to another unknown part of the universe to find this new planet, and they leave some trace behind that is picked up by the Jennie?

A: Actually, there was both the wormhole and the tracking device. The wormhole happened at the very end of the chase, just after the tracking device stuck on the ship.

UPDATE: Actually, the tracking device was also thrown BECAUSE of the worm hole.

Okay, thank you for letting me know.

Hah, that's actually a pretty good idea for a plot, although it does seem like you've hashed together too many ideas for a single universe.

I'm not sure about introducing actual magical elements to the plot when you've already established a futuristic cyberpunk world with mind control etc, it doesn't make sense and introduces loads of plot holes.

The beginning sounds very similar to a recent episode of "Black Mirror" (called Nosedive), which itself is a dystopian vision of social media.

Maybe try and work out why only the lower class people know about the spying, and why they aren't just wiped out by the government, perhaps there could be a genetic/technological reason that the A-listers can't see the truth?

Also your protagonist Radcliffe Rock sounds cool but I'm not sure he needs to have 7 ninja friends, sounds like a rip off of the 7 dwarves or Lord of the rings. If you start adding too many characters it gets very hard to develop them.

Also it seems unlikely that these guys just steal a ship and happen to find a paradise planet, and the Jennie needs a tracking device to find out where they've gone. Why didn't the Jennie know about this planet before, and plunder its resources?

Maybe Radcliffe could open up some sort of wormhole to another unknown part of the universe to find this new planet, and they leave some trace behind that is picked up by the Jennie?

Sounds like a fun story man, good luck with it. I love the idea of the shadowy Las Vegas casino/pub, reminds me of Blade Runner or Neuromancer, very cyberpunk.

Hi, Bitcoiners!

Hey, listen, I need help building a plot for a novel, and all I am asking is for you guys to read it and ask constructive questions to patch it up.

And on a side note, I will NOT be creating altcoins again, nor will I be doing "satoshi lotteries", not virtual machines with Bitcoin Core on them, as this is my main focus.

This story is a science fiction and fantasy, like a combination between Star Wars and 1984, symbolically (and in my personal opinion) anti-Facebook, anti-Instagram, anti-Amazon, and anti-everything else about the World Wide Web that causes economic and social harm. (Just so you know, Bitcoin is NOT one of them.)

The world the main character lives in is called Planet Zuck, a world full of mind control and cybercorruption. There are futuristic machines, sorta like what you would see in the Jetsons cartoons, that serve rich people with relationships, hot people, celebrities, etc, while the people that are not "hot," or non-famous, are living in poverty and homeless, and most of them steal from the "A-List" class, as this world calls it, and end up getting caught anyway. In this planet, there is no middle class at all. As a matter of fact, the world was pretty much fascist. Basically, all it really comes down to is, if we think you're hot and attractive, you're in; if you're ugly, go burn in hell. In this case, ugly could mean with a disability, smart enough to program a heavy line of code, or like stuff like heavy metal or 80's rock (the high class listen to that crappy pop you'd hear on the radio nowadays).

Everyone in the "A-List" class is always on the computer, too--posting pictures of themselves to gain popularity in excess. And in this world, there is a lot of anti-socialization, and one of the main issues is miscommunication. When someone messages someone else in certain wording, meaning one tone, the person on the other end thinks it's another tone, which is caused by lack of social cues, maybe that of attitude, and it starts a cyber-argument.

There's one thing everyone has in common--they are being spied on by the planet's government, The Jennie. No one is private, and no one in the A-List class knows about this spying. But most of the poverty-level citizens of Planet Zuck know about this spying, through criminally leaked information, by the main character, whose codename is Radcliffe Rock. (He doesn't even know his real name.)

Radcliffe Rock is basically a vigilante to the government, similar to Batman and Deadpool from DC and Marvel Comics. He gained his skills from a master ninja at age 12, twelve years before the whole fascist takeover. This ninja was his father, whom he had a great relationship with. One day, tragedy struck when his father got shot trying to rescue a little girl from being molested (the little girl is supposed to be Princess Laura, as revealed later in the story before she gets killed. She was taken to Planet Grogan as a refuge by her mother.) As revenge, Radcliffe used his late father's skills to bring justice for both the little girl and his father. But as far as it went with the exposing of information, no one had the skills but him.

For years the citizens gathered at Radcliffe's house, which is located near a pub on the shadowy side of a Vegas-like casino, known as the Roberge. It is the only place where the camera to spy on anyone is broken, and no one from the Jennie bothered to fix it because rumors of this pub were going around that there were deadly deseases in the beer, which is not the case. As a matter of fact, the rumor was spread quickly just to distract the Jennie (and any other high-class workforce spy associated with them) from installing a new camera, which had to be done before the very first gathering.

After a few more years, Radcliffe finally gets caught and sent to the Draeger, the Planet Zuck equivalent to a concentration camp. After seven unsuccessful attempts to escape, a successful eighth is made by Radcliffe and other prisoners of the Draeger (seven of them, actually--Mick, Gerry, Aaron, Marshall, Maynard, Corey and Andrew, all of which are other "ninjas" like Radcliffe with a similar background, minus the dead father), and they head to a fancy ship owned by The Jennie. It takes 30 book pages' worth of action to escape the Jennie's clutch, and then they steer for outer space. As they are in outer space, they start getting tired and hungry, and begin arguing for food until they spot another planet, Planet Grogan, and land their ship on it.

Planet Grogan is basically the complete opposite of Planet Zuck--peaceful forests, lots of edible wild vegetables, and an elven-like colony and kingdom, only run by humans instead of elves (this is to differentiate from other fantasies like The Lord of the Rings). Within a day or two of landing, they run into Princess Laura, the daughter of Queen Melissa. She is very beautiful and attractive (everyone, especially Marshall, but except for Radcliffe, were obsessing over her huge cleavage, and many times Radcliffe had to make them snap out of it.) While they were in her castle, they explain the brutality of Planet Zuck, as well as their misuse and abuse of technology for spying on private affairs.
During the explanation of Zuck, Laura remembers Radcliffe's father saving her from being violated (and his death caused by it), which explains the romantic relationship they grow.

After a few days, there was a loud BANG coming from outside the castle, and Aaron, who is the only one with the guts to step outside to see what's going on,  spots a swarm of spaceships invading Planet Grogan, and pretty soon nearly everyone on this planet is doomed: The Jennie tear apart the forests, enslave the kingdom's citizens, and (this is to surprise everyone expecting a love scene between Radcliffe and Laura) brutally kill Laura. And now that the planet is enslaved, within days war breaks out on the planet.

According to an analysis on the ship made by Corey, it turns out that the Jennie had given the ship that Radcliffe stole a tracking device, just to see where the ship was heading. They purposely waited until a few days after landing on Planet Grogan so their attack can be unexpected.

If I recall, there is no technology on Planet Grogan at all. Instead, there is magic, like that of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings combined, only they don't use words to cast them. So in other words, it's Star Wars tech vs. magic staffs and spells, but they equally match in battle. And Planet Grogan has swords and other medieval weaponry, which did not have effect unfortunately.

UPDATE: I am trying to upload the CC-BY-ND license HTML banner (the no-derivatives, commercial license), but I'm having HUGE trouble.