Continuing the story:
After the above pointless exchange I got a response from the gentleman who'd closed my ticket, stating (again not bothering to quote the emails exactly, here, but just from memory) that my "request had been forwarded to experts who would be able to answer my question. Please note that continuing to send messages will delay your response time, we'll get back to you as soon as possible."
Which sounded a lot to me like "If you keep trying to expedite things we will just punish you for it by dragging our heels," but, whatever. I patiently waited until this and the next business day had come and gone and finally decided to ignore his "warning" about communicating on the 11th, stating that, basically I was tired of waiting, and was going to start expressing my dissatisfaction on social media.
I did so, posting to twitter that my money was tied up for a week and support didn't seem to be doing anything to help. CoinbaseSupport on twitter did respond to me, the next day, asking for clarification, which I provided. Then, nothing, despite a couple of polite attempts on my part to continue the dialog. I couldn't help but feel that CoinbaseSupport was basically just replying in a perfunctory manner to create the illusion that my questionsmust have been answered or addressed in some way (I did my best to subtly make it clear that that's not what had happened so far).
Finally, on May 15th, a new person did reply to my trouble ticket, stating that my gf could indeed be added as an authorized user of my account and asking me to (this time a real quote) "please have [my gf] upload a photo of themselves holding their ID to
https://www.coinbase.com/verifications/documents/new". OK, we produced the photo in question and went to the url provided but there is no place there to upload just any old photo. The process there is to upload a photo of the front of your card, then the back, and it's then automatically OCR'ed by their system. So, now what? I must admit, by this point I'd really started to get quite fed up, but, soldiering on, once my gf got back from work I scanned in the front and back of her card and uploaded it to the system. However the system immediately rejected the uploads, stating basically that "those cards were for [my gf]" and the name on the account is [me]." Figures. Advice from the automated system for how to address any problem with the process? Why, open a trouble ticket, of course.
If I'd thought I'd receive a response any time soon I would have just asked how to proceed but it was clear that wasn't likely so I attached all three photos to an e-mail that would flow into my trouble ticket and explained the situation. I kept my frustration to myself, this time, and tried to play the good sport.
That, of course, is the last I heard from them.
I have noticed that they did finally return my cb-USD to me, so if I want, I can presumably, at least, finally buy back bitcoin at a huge loss (relative to the small amounts involved, of course) and get the fuck out of dodge. That looks like what I'll eventually have to do, since they simply aren't doing anything to help me. I was hoping against hope that there might be some better resolution to my problem offered, since they did say that what I wanted to do was basically something they supported, and I'd expeditiously provided them everything they'd asked for. But, it's now the 22nd and they haven't made a peep. But a -25% ROI or whatever I get back from this process is starting to look pretty good given the options they have given me so far (basically, none, but waiting for some indeterminate and plausibly indefinite period).
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If anyone from Coinbase happens to be reading this, by the way, and wants me to stop saying such mean things and go away, I'd like that too. Just fix your lack of support by paying a bit more attention to me. Since you do seem to support multiple authorized users per account, get my gf set up, I'll w/d, and, I promise: I'll update this post, and twitter, to reflect that Coinbase finally changed its tune and took care of business.
After realizing what kind of risk I seem to have been taking every time I transacted with you, I probably won't do any further business with you, to be honest. But, frankly, unless I eventually wind up doing more Bitcoin stuff than I do now, Coinbase can clearly afford to lose me as a customer. I simply don't do move enough btc around to represent a meaningful loss to your enterprise. On the other hand, if you keep me sufficiently mad that I feel the need to hang out around here and continue bad-mouthing you, I might represent a disproportionately impactful -- if still fairly minor -- threat to your reputation. My Issue# in your Desk portal is #915527.