Topic: Choosing between your relationship and gambling. (Read 354 times)

Not all gamblers have the same way of thinking and on how they deal with their individual issues. If her brother ends up a gambling addict, it’s because he chose it and the way he responded to it leads him to a more serious gambling addiction. But her brother and his fiancée are way more different. Your cousin knows how to handle his gambling addiction and it even provide him as his side hustle. So there’s no reason that he should stop gambling, as he can still in full control of his life and on his relationship with his fiancée. Otherwise, if he will stop gambling to save their relationship, it only means he agrees on the assumptions of his fiancee.

Initially, I thought the older cousin did not have time for the fiancee because of gambling before I realized that it was about forcing him to quit. Well, a party in a relationship should not force things on the other, that should is not acceptable. Courtesy demands the fiancee to take her time to investigate the situation and know how responsible he is towards the act. See, there are best husbands and fathers that gamble, and there are most irresponsible fathers and husbands that do not gamble. For someone to be gambling does not mean he's irresponsible, so the fiancee should not condemn him. Since this earns him extra income, I don't think is a bad idea in all ramifications.

#Case study:
My wife (then fiancee) about a decade ago frowned at the fact that I drink alcohol. But as a man, I let her know that I can "never" quit because I don't abuse it. She talked and talked, but I did not listen. On getting to know me and my drinking habit, could you believe that she's the one using her money to stock the house of it till today?

Once what you do makes you happy or supports you financially, I see no reason why you should stop it.

She was having a traumatic due to her brother, the problem she haven't move on from that's case and thinking every gamblers are bad, this thought is wrong because not all people want to gamble to make money. Your cousin don't need to wasting time for such girl, if she can't accept your cousin is a gambler, just broke up and looking for other girl. Remember, in this world there are billions of woman and not only she.

I disagree, when the @OP's cousin make a mistake, she will try to make a correlation about gambling even though there's no relation between gambling and the mistake.

Good point! The girl just need an assurance that she will not be experience that same problem with his brother, you are correct
talking about this matter can give them a better understanding of the situations.
I can say that if they will sit it out and make an agreement to make sure that gambling participation will not be an issue
between them.

It's tough to work with the situation that you already have a broad pictures because of what happens from your relatives.

Sometimes we can't understand girls. They can suddenly feel irritated without a reason but we should not take this seriously because they can just calm down after sometimes and they will then realize their mistakes. Maybe it's also true that some girls do this because it reminds them of their past, like they are once an addicted gambler or they have an ex-boyfriend who is an addicted gambler and they broken up because the guy can't change.

If this is the case then I think we guys can also understand it but we will make an agreement first that once we start to become an addict, that is only the time we will stop gambling if not then feel free to break the relationship.

I understand where the girl is coming from, your cousin will soon become her husband and she wants a smooth relationship and does not want to experience what she has gone through with her brother experience, they need to talk this out and come to an agreement to something that will strengthen the situation, the girl just wants a guaranty that she is marrying a guy who can responsibly run a family and gambling will not become a big concern on their relationship and your cousin needs to prove this and guaranty it.

I am sure the lady accepted to date your cousin because he likes him, so because your cousin is into gambling doesn't mean that all gamblers will end up with the same fate just like how the lady's brother ended up, there are responsible people that gamble and take their responsibilities very seriously, the case of the lady's brother is just like the same thing happening in my family right now, having fun with gambling is different from getting addicted to gambling. My brother is currently facing the same addiction, which you can read here.

https://bitcointalksearch.org/topic/m.61762369

My relationship is so much important to me that I cant trade it for anything. Certainly not for gambling. I've seen marriages fall apart due of gambling.
A few years ago, my next-door neighbor, a gambler, sold all of his assets, including those of his wife, for gambling purposes. His wife would later dumped him because, in her opinion, this wasn't the first time such an incident had taken place. With his family, he hardly pays any attention. While gambling itself isn't a terrible thing, gambling addiction has caused many failed relationships and split ups in unions. Over and over again, I'll put my relationship above my gambling.

Since he is your cousin's fiancee and your cousin soon to be a wife so there is a possibility that he will share your cousin's financial obligation and more so when they have children your cousin's fiancee has a cause of concern, actually his fiancee has all the right to know about his gambling activity because gambling addiction is also a ground for divorce or separation.
Your cousin should have explained all this before they become engaged, even if he is gambling responsibly because his fiancee already suffered this concern about his brother's gambling.
They really need to talk to settle this, this is what happens if you are not honest with your partner, never hide something that deals with finances from your future wife.

If your cousin has to choose gambling over his fiancée, then you should choose gambling because he obviously does not love her. While he may not have come into contact with a pathological gambler or the dangers of being one, his fiancée appears to have, and she is terrified of what gambling may get him into. She is aware that the addiction will have an impact on him, on her, on their relationship, and on their lives. And for her, it is better that she is alone than if she leaves with someone who is a gambler who will be in her life forever. So I think she made the right choice or asked the right question.

@OP what can question is this? No one will make choice, excerpt your partner doesn't like gamble and she's ready to sponsor your bills. To me anything that's paying your bills are important and should not taking for granted for any reason, if the relationship is profitable one can consider, to stop gamble and focus on other things to make money.  But some of us here gamble for Fun and to just try our luck, is not addiction

From all indication it's conspicuous about what her choice is which is my cousin should completely quit his gambling act and probably engage in other means of extra income other than gambling. And I suspect that her hate for gambling is what informed this development.

I'm sure there is a middle ground somewhere. If they really both love each other, there will always be a common ground, somewhere where they will meet. Both doesn't have to choose one or the other, relationship or gambling. They will probably reach a better agreement if they smoothly talk things through. Your cousin may promise his fiancée to reduce his gambling money to the minimum. Your cousin will have to entertain that idea. That's enough compromise. His fiancée in turn will accept that guarantee with a condition of something in case your cousin breaks his promise.

From what's in bold, your story sounds made up to me.

Gambling makes you lose more money than you win, the only thing is that occasionally there are sessions when you come out a winner, but it cannot be considered financial support.

The fact is that the story, invented or not, describes a situation in which I personally have found myself and I have never reached the point you describe, because when the relationship took hold, what I did was calmly explain that I gamble from time to time, that I do so in a rational way, etc. I am not a problem gambler and I manage my finances well. So I don't let myself be put between a rock and a hard place about it. I have my boundaries, I explain it and I have never had a problem or a dilemma about it.

reading the Story ? I cannot blame the girl as obviously ? She has no complete Idea what is the gambling activities of your cousin Meaning he at first is not Honest for telling the truth , though he is a responsible gambler I believe that His Girlfriend should know what are the activities of Him in regards to financial ways(because admit it or not? the chance of becoming addicted is always there in gambling) and the main issue here is their trust in each other , the girl seems like judging Him according to what she saw in His emails and not about how He act in their relationship accordingly.
maybe better for them to settle this once in for all , and talk closely and deeply , there are laoses on both but for sure this can be settled in good outcome.

TBH, it's hard to choose between the two.

Some might say that leaving the girl and focus on gambling would be better, but on the other hand, what if your cousin will have the same fate as the girl's brother? We don't know how lucky your cousin is, and we also know that luck isn't forever. There will be a time where you will lose to your bets.

For me, I believe there that both your cousin and his fiancee can talk something about this. I believe that they can just continue their relationship while your cousin still doing gambling. Lessen the gambling funds, lessen the gambling time. I know that the trauma from seeing her brother getting addicted into gambling is there, but her brother isn't the same as your cousin. I will not choose between the 2 because I almost had the same experience as your cousin. I got into gambling secretly without my partner knowing it, but one day, she saw me gambling. Of course she got angry me, but I spoke to him calmly and said to her that I will lessen the funds that I'll be using for gambling. Now I can gamble still, but our relationship is still strong as ever.

Sometimes, proper conversations are the best way for these problems to be fixed.

I'll take "responsible gambler" as a hobby. And if he has been pursuing this hobby for years without any negative impact on him or his family, why should I allow someone to take control of what gives me enjoyment?

It feels like I am being controlled to give up a harmless hobby that I genuinely enjoy just to please someone else, who may be projecting their past experiences with their own family onto my situation. Either she trusts your cousin to know his limits and ensures that they can still live comfortably even if something goes wrong, or she should walk away.

I can understand her position, having a brother who was addicted to gambling who lost a bunch of his possessions because of it, she simply seems to care for him and doesn't want him to end up going down that same road.  On the other hand he's a responsible gambler (like myself, I would never let myself gamble more than I'm willing to lose, I'm just fortunate that way) so I can understand his viewpoint of being like "hey I'm a responsible gambler, it's not effected anything in our relationship to this point etc etc" but at the end of the day if he really loves her, it's probably not worth gambling if it would make her happy.  I'd give it up for the right girl, personally.

Welll, i think the gambling can be a source of conflict in a romantic relationship, particularly if one partner is concerned about the other's gambling behavior, beacause while it may be possible to reconcile gambling in a relationship, always it requires open communication and an mutual understanding and a willingness to work together to address any issues that may arise. But, If one partner has concerns about the other's gambling behavior, than it's important to express those concerns in a non-judgmental way and too listen to the other person's perspective and It's too may be helpful to seek the assistance of a therapist or counselor who is trained in helping couples work through issues related to gambling.

It's worth noting that if one partner has a gambling addiction, it may be more difficult to reconcile gambling in the relationship without this professional help because Gambling addiction is a serious condition that can have significant impacts on an individual's finances, relationships, and overall well-being.

It's really up to him.

If he wants to continue gambling, he must simply say that to her.

If she decides to go, then that's what will happen. You can't force people to be with you.

The most important thing is for him to think about what he wants in life, anything that is non negotiable. If that includes gambling, then he just needs to say that to her, ideally in a calm way.

What she does then with that information is completely up to her.

If you do love a person really from the bottom of your heart then you would be accepting him/her on what are the things that he involved into but there are things which are really needed to be sacrificed for the better
but since its been said that the guy isnt really that addicted on gambling and turns out to be profitable then i dont see that it is really that wrong to continue on what he's doing.Also, it is really understandable
on what the girl is been feeling out because we are not that dumb not to see on what are the possible circumstances might be faced up ahead if ever his future husband would be addicted into it.

Your cousin's fiance has a genuine reason to be sacred of gambling. When you have a sibling or close relative that can go to the extent of selling personal belongings or even steal to gamble, you might be able to understand why she wants you cousin to stop gambling. But I think she is taking it too far. I don't think is has gotten the extent of giving your cousin that two hard options, since your cousin is not addicted to gambling. Maybe she is scared that he might end up becoming an addict in future.

Thiis issue can be settled amicably through communication and dialogue. Your cousin should try to convince her that he is a responsible gambler and prove to her that he would always be based on the number of years he has been gambling. But if she insists, I think a good wife is worth more than a side hustle or entertainment. If she is a good girl that has some uncommon qualities, I think he should quit gambling because good women are very difficult to find in this present age.

The fiancee is valid for feeling this way since she has previous experience with someone who has been addicted to gambling. In other words, she had already seen the negative and destructive effects of a person being addicted to this activity. If she wants to ensure the future of his family, then engaging into gambling is something that should be avoided by your cousin.


If your cousin can convince his fiancee that he is gambling purely for entertainment purposes, then he should do so. Remember that his fiancee had already seen and experienced a person being addicted to this activity. But in all honesty, your cousin should definitely stop or at least venture another activity.

the final decision will be on his fiancee because for sure she already knows that being a gambler is hard to get away from. it would take time for her to see if he is indeed stopping his gambling activities. they both need to sit down in this situation as they are planning for their future life together. it will be the cause of their marital problems later on if they haven't come up with an agreement with this aspect.

Where's the trust? Why compare him with someone else from her own past experience? And she should ask him first if he had done something like selling properties, pawning things, loans, or anything money related just to supply the gambling habit.

She found out about his hobby so what? We, men, don't need them to be supportive of what we are doing, as long as we don't cross the line. That's where they come in. I have been gambling for years too and my wife doesn't actually care what I gamble as long as I am responsible, can supply them with their needs and a little luxury. Now that's trust.
Maybe she is just exaggerating because of his previous experience, like a trauma, but it can be fixed thru explanation. They won't go farther if your cousin stops and won't be happy anymore. Worse, he will hide the hobby and it leads to an unhappy relationship filled with fights.

Sometimes there are things in life which arent supposed to be said or to be shared by someone so easily.Its a personal choice whether you would really be submissive towards your partner on which it isnt really just right to quit up something that you've been dealing and doing for long time before you two had met.

This is why i do agree that both of them should really be having that one on one talk about this particular manner, whether which are the things they would be tending to arrange out whether to
quit it out totally or would really be given up by some chance.I do understand on that fiancees part about having that fear since we arent that blind
on what are the probabilities.

^That is right, they need to talk about this.
If his cousin was a long-time gambler so it means he passed massive heavy experienced which he has control of his gambling.
But the wrong move is, why he did not let know his fiance about his gambling activity and tell her about that he has control over it and nothing to worry. Girls have always that kind of attitude, trying to control someone especially if they know the outcome, but if you are an experienced gambler, you can tell her that you are not addicted and tell her that gambling is one of your habits. If you can explain it very well, then, there is no problem.

I see not reason why I would have to blame the cousin for anything, if the woman wants to leave because his fiancee is an gambler not even an addictive gambler, then she can leave to wherever she want to go. We can force people to love us the way we are.

 This is his cousin lifestyle and it is left to the fiancee to decide whether she would stay with him even with the scar on his body and plan how to watch away the scar than to criticize him for been who he is. Some women should not just think they can change our personalities because of love and coming tomour lives. This is a decision that does not need too much deliberation to be handled based on my perspective.

Lol, it's better that they are not yet in a long relationship, I mean yes it's one year but still a lot of things to learn between 2 persons. As far as gambling goes? it's good that she found out and see her reaction. If the fiancee can't accept his gambling, then what more if they got married and later found it out? what's going to happen divorce? that's why I said this is better for your cousin. Maybe the girl is not for him, just saying. And he should accept that as well and move forward with his life. Whether we want to continue gambling or not, it's his decision and hopefully she can find a relationship wherein the girl will accept him no matter what, no strings attached.

I have said always that I keep a balance to play weekly and I was doing OK from quite so many weeks and months that I don't remember and I have always told my wife how much money I was willing to gamble so she knows now that I gamble "some money" and she is not contrary to this although she keeps telling me that no smart person have ever won anything from gambling.Tonight I was obsessed with a game I don't like that much the provider of it but lately has caught me and kept buying the bonus round and lost almost half the salary,I talked immediately to my wife and she smiled saying,didn't I say it to you that smart people never win anything and advised me to stick to my bankroll.I think I have the perfect wife honestly  .

So your cousin and his fiance should talk to each other and try to settle things,only dialogue has solved world problems,even much worse than gambling sometimes,there is no other way.

There should be a reason. If they have an agreement to share their funds with one another, such that both parties are doing the same thing, then adjustments should be made. Viewing on a positive persepective, the girl might be worried that your cousin might be too dragged in gambling as cited by OP. Indeed that was your cousin's money and he is taking good care of it, but atleast the girl has a point. Maybe she has some kind of trauma to her brother wherein gambling is a huge factor and she doesn't want her partner to end up on the same situation. But it would be a wrong idea to make breake up an option wherein they could have discussed it in a better way. Both has points but this is probably a misunderstanding.

I don't blame your cousin's fiancee,he should have let her know he is a gambler,instead of allowing her to see it herself. Some ladies have made up their minds not to marry some particular kind of men,maybe because of their past experience with someone that has such habit or they don't just want to get involved with such person. If your cousin's fiancee is one of those type of ladies sorry she might not understand him.

If your cousin talk to her and she doesn't seem to understand with him,he should choose her or gambling, that is his choice and he loves her,then he needs to quit gambling but if prefer his gambling habit than her,he can let her go.

I would like to agree with you in point If the op's cousin wants to move forward that relationship, then he has to present gambling in front of that person in such a way that she understands that gambling is not a bad thing.
Even then I am not that kind of gambler but in my own thoughts I don't think it should be viewed as a bad thing, because if it can be kept under self control and only as a means of entertainment then I don't think it will have any bad effect. Gambling can be a source of entertainment if you set aside a certain amount of your income as a percentage.

She may be right. We have seen alot of cases of gambling addiction and what it has led to. If she has a bad experience of gambling addiction with her brother and does not want her man who is your cousin to continue gambling, your cousin should listen to her and not dismiss her worries of he cares for his relationship with her. It should be a dialogue and he has to see things from her eyes. It can even be that your cousin did not tell you the truth about whatever winnings he has been getting. Women like money and if your cousin was making money from his gambling, am not sure his girlfriend would have been complaining of him getting into it.

Not the type of girl that is a wife material. Although I can understand her because she’s just being overprotective with your cousin, but the way she deal with it is the problem now. I would actually want to advise that staying away from this girl is the best thing to do for your cousin. Otherwise, he will live like hell in the future if he continue his relationship with this girl because obviously, this girl just want to manipulate your cousin’s decision not just into gambling but maybe in a lot of matters in the future.

That girl just want to control your cousin, and by pointing out into gambling, I guess she found more reason to control your cousin telling him to chose over gambling and his relationship with her. Gambling is not actually bad if your cousin is still able to manage his gambling activities including his losses, but submitting to the decision of his fiancée is actually the wrong decision here. I just hope your cousin will decide on what’s best for him, not only for their relationship, especially that they are not yet married.

This would be a tough choice considering that he had been gambling way before his cousin meets up his fiancee and if he could risk out their relationship then its his choice.I agree on what others been saying that its better to make out some explanation about he had a good control towards his gambling activity and tells her that the money that he had been earning is also the part of his winnings on playing gambling.
The girl would surely understand that but if not then there's nothing you can do and you would really be needing to choose.

I'd explain to her that I'm winning and I'm being responsible, that I don't chase losses and I don't put my well being at risk. I would never go in debt over gambling and it's just a form of making money.
What she should understand that he isn't trying to end the relationship, she is by forcing him to choose. I'd ask her if she realizes that we're going to have less money if I quit.
The choice depends on how much he loves her, I guess.

The trauma from her past experience with his Brother is there, and she knows that risk of getting involve in gambling so probably she just wanna make sure to live happy and without having any stress from a gambling problem. Your cousin have to choose, if gambling is very important to him then better to tell this one to his fiancee and make her understand that he’s not addict in gambling and he’s still in control, if she accepts it better but if not your cousin have to decide.

That's really addiction in there but as someone who's into relationship, you don't have to give choices to the person whom you love. It's either you support him in or you support him getting out by having that gradual activities where he'll forget to gamble.

The feeling is understandable for that woman but it's also needed for her to understand that it won't just come out in an instant and there's a need for her to give him time until he fully recovers and completely stops.

But to look at that is quite hard, that's why helping him will be her choice and as said, it won't be going to be an easy task.

You know women and advanced thinkers on which they do already assuming out on what would gonna happen if ever they would be able to see basing up into their past experiences or other peoples experience.

Same goes into this situation where he had a brother who had been engaging on gambling and ending up miserable.The girl is just concerned for whatever things that could possibly happen because gambling
addiction could really mess up someones life financially.Just like the rest been saying that we cant blame her because it is really true that gambling could mess up someones life if not handled properly.
Just be thankful that you have a girl that do minds about future and its up to ours whether we would be quitting or not.You are the ones who would make out the choice.

Women are always very scared of the future of a gambler because they think things can go wrong anytime and there lover can mistakenly and consciously gamble with there future. Everything about this is understanding and the two persons that is involved here should try and settle this matter because I know that, there is no way a gambler will leave gambling because of relationship. The gambling attempt can be reduced but I don't think the urge can be stopped by any means due to the long term issue the man had been playing bets.

But you gotta admit, both of them make sound points here. You can't really blame the woman for having so negative connotations about gambling when it's clearly hidden against her wishes in the first place, and to find out that your fiancee's gambling almost everyday behind your back? That's just abhorring. There's hardly any comparison to be made if your girl finds out you're gambling almost everyday, and you hid it from her. On the other hand, it's not so smart of the girlfriend to give an ultimatum like that. It's just childish and very narrow-minded of her. If we're to take the cousin's word for it and he's indeed gambling responsibly, then good for him. But just as what I've said in my last post, they need to talk this one out in private and in detail, from there they can decide whether they wanted to continue with the relationship or not. Either way, it will work great for them.

First of all, you shouldn't start a relationship with someone who is so demanding and wants you to choose between her and something else. You can see this is going the wrong way. Now it's "me or gambling", later it will be "me or your job", "me or your friends", "me or your hobbies."
Then there's an issue with his gambling. It's not severe yet, not bad enough to put him against a wall like she is. I would consider if I want to be with such woman for the rest of my life, that's for sure.
I'm not ok with someone being a gambling addict, but she's making it look worse than it is. Women like to crate unnecessary drama.

He should try out to explain it out into his fiancee about on making money on gambling plus he isnt really that spending that much on it and having that good control.I do understand on that girls part about the fear

on putting themselves together in huge financial problem if ever them both will really getting into married life.It is really a matter of acceptance came from into an explanation in one side.It shouldnt really be that
one sided considering that it was really just still a habit before she met his girl i guess.

For that dude then it would really be hard situation but he could always agree up and then later on play out but of course you would be needing to hide yourself. 

I understand how the woman feels because she will about to enter the world of marriage and she surely thinks about their future. Having a gambler's lifetime partner can cause chaos in the future but if the gambler is responsible, she should just accept her future husband's habit. This usual problem could be fixed with the right approach. They can just talk about it before getting married without asking the husband to choose between his habit and their relationship.

I'd say cut the crap about "getting better for your partner" thing because if your cousin is a responsible gambler and has no other hobby other than gambling, his girlfriend/fiancee has no right to tell him what to do. It's his money after all because they are not married yet, plus she has no proof of your cousin losing too much money and being irresponsible with money and just based her accusation on her own experience with another person completely unrelated and unknown to your cousin. She's too quick to jump into conclusions and personally, I wouldn't want to have a partner like that. I've been gambling for years, and never have I lost an amount that I regret losing because of this activity. She could easily worded things differently, but she chose to jump the gun and immediately come up with the conclusion that your cousin might screw up because one of her family members did. That's just toxic and uncalled for IMO.

There's a couple factors that might play into this situation. Firstly, when they first met did he exhibit and share this same behavior, because if he did then trying to change him - even if his gambling addiction is destructive - is unlikely to work. He will need to reach a certain low in life where he realizes that gambling is something he cannot control and something that is not beneficial to his future success. It's only him that can deep down change and stop this activity if it's damaging. If he is selling off and consistently losing money on a large scale then he is willing to lose it all chasing some futile dream. It's a tragedy but she would probably do best for both of them if she left, there is a slight chance it might be enough to snap him out of it, because he may end up dragging both of them down in the long run

For me, i would say that it all depends on the lady in question, as a married man myself, i can tell you from experience that, there are woman that are worth sacrificing anything for (aside life), and there are other women that are worth sacrificing absolutely nothing for.
And the above is something only your cousin knows, if the lady is the type he can sacrifice anything for just to keep her love and his love for her going, then he should go ahead and stop gambling for now, for the sake of peace, he can continue later, but for now, he should just take a break while he use this time to really educate the lady the different types of gamblers and make her understand the kind of gambler he really is.

But on the other hand, if the lady is not worth the sacrifice, then if I were him, I will just keep gambling, if she really can not bear my love for gambling, then she should go ahead and end the relationship, after all, she's not my wife yet.  

If a guy cares about a relationship with this girl, of course he'll choose her, but that doesn't mean he has to stop gambling.

In my opinion their problem is that this guy hid his hobby from the girl and she found out not from him, thus he lost his trust. Things would have worked out differently if he hadn't hidden it from her. I think he should give the girl the choice and let her decide what she really wants.

It should never get to this!
The key word here is responsible gambling and if it's there this shouldn't be a problem! BTW why is it that people don't imbrace the skeletons their better halfs have than trying to change them when they settle together???

 This might not always be as we assume, maybe he has loans and other liabilities like supporting the family and this is one way he has found a way to raise the extra cash.. forget the well paying job, like they say "more money more problems!"


Why all this pressure when they aren't even married and btw, when you go out looking for trouble.. I guarantee you that you will find it and here the fiancée found it! And in whatever relationship, I think boundaries deliberately need to be there for ones peace of mind... Its not worth it trying to bring all walls down to have transparency through out.

If this is true, case closed responsible gambling doesn't exist.

A year will never be enough to get to know a person really well and I don't think their love for each other already has a strong foundation. Deciding to get married that early will surely have doubts along thr way as they discover each other's weaknesses.
As for me, it isn't a reason enough to leave a person because he is into gambling especially if you're committed to that person. You must not compare him to other gamblers as long as you don't know how he deals with gambling. Instead of dragging the person down, he should get to know him well first because there are still worse things that they could discover about each other along the way.

I don't think that was their dream but I think the real one that women's dream is to have a better/fabulous life because we know them, they are just girls. A man is the opposite of it. A good man don't need to be reminded to change but they will change own their own because they want a strong relationship with their partner and their family if they already have kids.

I don't see anything wrong with the OP's cousin but he seem to look responsible at all. The problem is with the girl. If I am his cousin I think I will feel annoyed already and maybe I will be the one to leave that girl long time ago. If a woman truly loves the guy then she will respect all of his decisions in life.

Good point. yes, we agree. it would be very natural, when someone feels worried, especially in this case the woman is his fiancé. no woman wants her life to be miserable, especially when she marries a gambling addict. I really understand what the fiancé of the OP's cousin feels. anyway, as you said. marrying a gambler who is out of control is the biggest fear for women, especially if he also has the same history in relation to the closest people around him.

In the OP's story, the fiancé has a brother who has compulsive gambler tendencies. I will not blame the woman, just like you said. that the woman has the right to be assured that her future husband will not act in the same way as her brother. the point is, OP's cousin should make a wise choice. it's not nice, if the cousin leaves his fiancé only about gambling problems. supposedly, there is mutual trust built by the two partners so that it does not cause further turmoil in the future.

She has to understand her boyfriend isn't her brother. Just because her brother has an addiction problem with gambling, it doesn't mean every other individuals in the world are going to have problems with gambling as well. It's understandable she is traumatized with the situation, but she is the one who needs help to overcome this, just like her brother needs help overcoming his gambling addiction. But as long as the boyfriend's gambling routine is healthy and controlled, there isn't any issues with him on this story, therefore he shouldn't change his hobbies because other people's personal conflicts.

Messy situation, however, from my personal point of view (regardless of her pasts experiences) she should not treat him that way and give him such a hard ultimatum. People are not the same and gamblers are not the same and if he has proven himself to be a responsible partner when comes to money, then this is rather an irrational fear whose origin has nothing to do with your cousin.

But that is just my opinion.

The worst part is that even if your cousin decided to quit gambling forever, there is a small chance she would continue to monitor his online activities as a married couple...

It's understandable when your cousin's fiance doesn't want to take any chances and prefers to cut the issue by threatening their relationship. But at the same time, I don't see anything wrong with gambling as a side job as long as your cousin knows his limits which you already mentioned. It's not easy to tell if the relationship is worth saving but if i'm in his position i'd probably cut the relationship unless the fiance is willing to discuss it even further until we reach an agreement and convince her that it shouldn't be an issue by allowing her to track my spending habits as an example.

women's dream is to change someone to be a better man. i suspect the gambling issue is not just what they have been arguing about.
if this is an ultimatum to your cousin then that's it. women wouldn't want your cousin to go deeper into gambling so she makes it a big deal.

it's all up to your cousin though. i suggest listing the advantage and disadvantages when your cousin is with this woman and then he can come up with his decision. if he loves the woman more than anything, he'd choose her.

but tell you, he will still gamble and will make it very private by doing it on the 2nd phone.

I think they just have to seat and talk about it, actually from the girl's experience I won't blame her for asking the boyfriend to stop gambling, she is scared maybe later in future her boyfriend will also be addicted to gambling and might endup doing things which will affect the both of them.

Also if the guy is not addicted to gambling, then I don't think anything is bad in gambling, but some people will be addicted but they will alway denial that they are addicted, he might not be addicted currently but later in future he might become addicted. If you are gambling to make money then that's really bad because you will easily get addicted, but if you are gambling for fun, I don't see anything bad in gambling.

I understand the concerns that your cousin's fiancee has, to marry a gambler who is out of control is a big scare for her because she has closely experienced how uncomfortable it is to put up with someone who has gambling disorder. She is in need of reassurance that your cousin who she is about to get married to will not turn out the same way. Your cousin can do that easily by letting her understand that people are different and handle gambling differently. He should be sincere with her and not try to fool her into believing that he has stopped it when he hasn't, that will be bad.

If it gets to the point where he has to choose between gambling and his relationship, that decision is up to him to make, but personally I do not think people that do not want to stop gambling can be forced or cajoled into stoping gambling. People stop gambling when they personally make the decision to quit.

First, I will say that this is a very small issue, and it boils down to understanding, because in as much as most people gambles irresponsibly to the point of selling personal belongings just to satisfy their gambling urge, we have got few others who only gambles for pleasure & fun, and most especially sport lovers, as that's the only way through which they derive their joy.
So what I will personally advise is for your cousin to sit his girlfriend down and try to make her understand that in as much as he gambles once in a while, that it's equally been an extra source of income for him, and he is a responsible gamble who loves her and values there relationship, and as such will always place her first before any other gambling needs.
Because gambling shouldn't be a reason why a man let go of his relationship with someone he love, as every issue can always be settled through meaningful conversation.

Both make good points actually, but are innately wrong at their own right as well. For instance, your cousin doesn't have to gamble religiously, even if he's what you can consider as someone who's a responsible gambler. Dishing out hundreds of dollars on a regular basis all for gambling is a little detrimental especially when it stockpiles, so I can see why the girl is concerned that your cousin might've been addicted already. In any case, the woman is also making a valid point here, although It is worth noting that for instance, the girl is actively controlling your cousin's life. This is not a good sign of a woman that you'd want to stay with for the rest of your life, as you'd find yourself eventually wrapped around her finger controlled by her every directive with no active motivation of your own. Also, she's speaking from a previous experience, which is not to say that she could be right, but is something that's giving the idea of someone who's traumatized in one way or another.

All in all, I'd have the two people discuss this matter clear-headed and with no biases involved. If they wish to carry on with the relationship, few compromises must be made by both parties. If they decided to part ways, that works too.

After thinking about it for a while I think the same, she is overreacting about the whole situation, if the cousin of the OP had a gambling problem this kind of ultimatum could make sense, but it seems that he is just like us, a person that enjoys gambling once in a while and nothing more, the fiance could have dealt with this in a more adult manner by talking to the cousin about it and discuss about the possibility of dropping his gambling hobby as a way to save money for the wedding or the kids they may have, but instead she immediately tried to leverage their relationship against the cousin and use it on her favor, and in my experience relationships like that never last, as the person making use of blackmail will keep doing so over and over again.

Why does she care so much? A year sounds like a very quick engagement too but what does she want him to do with the money instead?

If he had no other use for the money, gambling with it might not be too bad a thing if he's got a good paying job anyway. Taking himself away from gambling too would be much healthier than having someone else make him do it.

It sounds like she's in it mostly for the money (that could just be how you've worded it but it does sounds like she's a problem).

Tell your cousin to stay away from that girl. 
They are not married yet but she acts like she lost everything. If she had not discovered those emails, she wouldn't be overreacting though.

However, she already wants your cousin to choose which. It gets worse if she could successfully makes your cousin choose her. This is capitalizing on your cousin's feeling over her. It's not gonna be surprising one day you might not be able to hang out with your cousin anymore because she says so.

There's currently a heated issue between an older cousin of mine and his fiancee, it's a gambling related issue that's now looking like a threat to their relationship. Here's what happened;

My cousin as I know has been an active gambler for as long as I could remember and he's one person that gamble responsibly as he takes it as something that's part of a side hustling and nothing more and he added that the winning streaks he has been getting has really been supportive to him financially too. I get to know this cause that's what he told me when I asked him why does he have to engage in online gambling when he has a good paying job. The disturbing issue here is that a day ago his fiancee whom both have been dating for about a year now, she for the first time had access into his mail and discovered lots of email messages both previous and current from the particular gambling sites he has a gambling account with and her awareness of this has made her to ask my cousin to either chose between quiting from engaging in any form of gambling or ending their relationship.
Her reasons is because she has this brother that's into gambling and his gambling habit has led to him selling off important properties of his and some that belongs to the whole family just to meet up with his uncontrollable gambling urge. And this experience scares her to death having anything to do with anyone she notice that engages in gambles activities especially for someone she's in a serious relationship with, that she can't deal with such reality.

I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.