Following in other religious extremist shitposting... I'm declaring gravity as an absolute scientific hoax.
Instead; the Flying Spaghetti Monster is holding us down with His long Noodly Appendages. It's entirely true because it told me so in the Gospel.
https://www.klps.pl/pliki/gospel_fsm_eng.pdf
Take gravity, for example: the force of attraction between massive
particles. We know a great deal about the properties of gravity, yet we
know nothing about the cause of the force itself. Why are particles attracted
to one other? If we review the literature, we find a lot of material
dealing with the properties of gravity, but very little dealing with the
underlying cause of this attraction. Until we have a proven answer to
this question, it seems irresponsible to instruct students in what is, ultimately,
just a theory. However, if we must discuss the theory of gravity
at all, then it's reasonable that all suggested theories should be given
equal time, since none have been proven or disproven. Therefore, I formally
submit that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is behind this strange
and often misunderstood force.
What if it is He, pushing us down with His Noodly Appendages, that
causes this force? He is invisible, remember, and is undetectable by
current instruments, so in theory it is possible. And the fact that the
gravitational powers of the Spaghetti Monster haven't been disproven
makes it all the more likely to be true. We can only guess as to His motives,
but it's logical to assume that if He is going to such trouble, there
is a good reason. It could be that He doesn't want us floating off earth
into space, or maybe just that He enjoys touching us—we may never
know. 1
And while it's true that we don't have any empirical evidence to back
up this theory, keep in mind the precedent set by Intelligent Design
proponents. Not only is observable, repeatable evidence not required to
get an alternative theory included in the curriculum, but simply poking
holes in established theory may be enough. In this case, the
established theory of gravity makes no mention as to the cause of the
force; it merely presents the properties of it. I fully expect, then, that
this FSM theory of gravity will be admitted into accepted science with
a minimum of apparently unnecessary bureaucratic nonsense, including
the peer-review process.
For further evidence of the true cause of gravity—that we are being
pushed down by His Noodly Appendages—we need only look at our historical
records. The average height of humans two thousand years ago
was about five feet three inches for males, compared with an average
height of around five feet ten inches for males today. Useless by itself,
this information becomes quite important when viewed in terms of
worldwide population. Humans, apparently obsessed with fucking, have
increased their numbers exponentially over the years. We find, counterintuitively,
that a small population correlates with shorter humans,
and a larger population correlates with taller humans. 2
This only
makes sense in light of the FSM theory of gravity. With more people on
earth today, there are fewer Noodly Appendages to go around, so we
each receive less touching—pushing down toward the earth—and thus,
with less force downward, we're taller.
We can fully expect that as the population increases, and we receive less
downward pushing by the FSM, we'll continue to grow in height.
Conversely, we can expect that the sudden occurrence of a worldwide
plague would cause our average height to decrease. This phenomenon
can be verified in historical records. We find that regions
undergoing health crises have shorter people -
strong evidence that the theory is sound.
No one is saying that the FSM theory of gravity is
necessarily true, but at the very least, it's based on
sound science, sound enough to be included in the
curriculum with the other nonproven theories. Until
the currently taught theory of gravity, known as
Newtonism, is proven as fact, alternatives should be
taught as well.
R'amen.
