The following events took place a couple days ago in Tokyo, Japan“At last!” I screamed with relief. “After years of imprisonment by the evil wizard Karpeles, I’ve escaped from his clutches to have found the ultimate weapon to defeat him and save the people of Mt Gox. Yes, Emperor Karpeles, I HAZ THE BITCOIN!”
“You may have found the Bitcoin, but you are but a fool, young rebel.” said a voice from behind. “No mortal can defeat me.”
“Emperor Karpeles!” I announced as I turned around. “Today history shall be written. Today, I have acquired the power of the Great One, the very essence of the Great Wizard Lord Satoshi forged into this single coin. Today, YOU DIE!”
“And just how well does your Lord Satoshi handle this!.” Karpeles detached his jaw like a snake, and sent a huge fire ball directly towards me. I lifted the coin to cover my face and a beautiful blue light came from it, instantly turning the fire into nothing but smoke.
“Surrender to me, Karpeles, and I shall have mercy upon you when the people declare me their King.” I said
“I would rather die!” Karpeles hurled his staff above his head and twirled it as fireballs shot out of both ends. I ran in as random of a pattern that I could make up the mountain, ducking and dodging falling rocks as Karpeles kept knocking them down making the entire mountain tremble in a terrible earthquake. We reached the peak of Mt Gox, and there was no where left for me to run. I stopped and looked over the ledge of a cliff, carefully pondering my next move.
“This is it, Vitamin! Now you die!”
“No.” I said, finally realizing the purpose of the Numerical Prophecy. “You know not fully the power of Satoshi.” I held the Bitcoin over my head and bellowed, “7, 4, 4, 4, 0, 8!” and from my right wrist sprouted a long unbreakable metal chain that I threw to grab Karpeles, and turned my self around so I suspended him in midair far over the ledge of the cliff.
“No…it can’t be…the Blockchain!” Said Karpeles in a stunned panic. “It was supposed to be a myth! Well, if I am to go down, I’m taking you with me!” Karpeles once again detached his jaw and hurled a raging fire ball at me. I dodged it in time, but the force of the collision caused the whole cliff to collapse sending both me and him down the mountain in an avalanche of rock.
As the smoke from the avalanche cleared the people of the village below Mt Gox stood in awe as I, Vitamin, emerged unscathed from the rumble. I had wrapped myself in the Blockchain as the cliff was crumbling and rode the avalanche the way down. The contorted hand of the Wizard Karpeles stuck up through the rock, still and lifeless. The people rejoiced at their liberation, and made me their King. I ruled for many years, bringing peace and freedom to the kingdom through the Bitcoin and the Blockchain.
***
“Cool story, bro.” Mark said as I told the ending of the role playing game I had just won. “You totally kicked my ass with the Bitcoin and the Blockchain.” He swayed left and right ever so slightly sitting on his bouncy blue ball. I loved these things. That’s why I was sitting on one too.
“Yeah.” I said. “But I still don't get why I needed my laptop, and that software from the internet, and then I had to hack into this Mt Gox place of yours. I mean the hacking was kinda boring and not very magical don't ya think?”
“Whatever. I need that software now.”
“Oh right. Because in the sequel you steal the Bitcoin and I need some sort of book or something to beat you. What did you call it again?”
“The Whitepaper, BUT I GET THE BITCOINS. Coin. I get the Bitcoin. Singular. Uno. Un.”
“K.” I said not sure what caused the outburst. Mark bounced his way over to my laptop so he could move the software on a thumb drive of his. Boing, boing, boing, boing.
While at my laptop, Mark took a final sip of his Venti latte from Starbucks and after looking at it to confirm its emptiness, tossed it behind him on my floor, not making any effort for the trashcan. “Oh.” I said. “Sorry there’s not a trashcan over there. I’ll clean it up.” Boing, boing, boing, boing. I picked it up. Boing, boing, boing, boing. I dropped the cup in and turned to face Mark. Boing.
“Ya know, Mark. I had fun today, and am looking forward to doing this again with you, but next time could you please be more considerate of my environment? I live here and I don't like trash on the floor.
Mark pulled the USB stick out of my laptop and turned to face me. Boing.
“Fuck you, I do what I want.” He left for the door. Boing, boing, boing, boing. Asshole. Whatever, I’ll check my phone and see what’s going on in the real world. Hmmm, “Breaking News: Mt Gox shutdown due to hack.” Huh? That’s a real place? Let’s click on this……….Bitcoins are currency, what?………Hold up now, 744, 408 Bitcoins were stolen from the Mt Gox website…7, 4, 4, 4, 0, 8 wasn’t that the Numerical Prophecy?……OH SHIT!!! How much money did I steal? HOLY SHITBALLS IN A SCROTUM I’M NOT GOING DOWN FOR THIS!!! YOU’RE DEAD MARK, I’M COMING TO GET YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!! Boing, boing, boing, boing.
FIN
