I would like to begin this discussion stating that I do not categorize or stereotype people based upon what they do for a living, what they want to do, how they want to do it, on their backgrounds and so on. This post is giving out my experience with someone I truly loved, who I knew was in need of psychological assistance.
I had met a man from North Carolina who approached me on a website where I had set myself up as a sexual camming therapist about a year ago. Before I was a camgirl on that site, I worked as a burlesque dancer in NYC. At the time, I was finishing my education for my Master's degree in psychology, so I was making the transition from a sexual idol to a therapist. On the site, his approach was quite sexual. I knew he had intentions to simply cam with me, where he had paid for my time. I felt as though he had some sort of agenda, but at the time I couldn't put my finger on it. In a sense, I wasn't allowed to. He didn't seem very interested in my psychology services, but just me in particular. We began to chat through Skype, and before I knew it, sparks flew between us.
He claims he saw something in me that he hadn't seen before. I felt the same way about him, but was fighting the emotion. I knew it wasn't me that liked him though. It was the idea of him, so to say. After two or three days, I decided I wanted to break everything off with him, for my work was, and still is more important to me than friendship with anyone. When I put forth the effort to do so, he seemed very tense. Even confused in a sense, and somewhat shocked. It seemed like he had become attached to me, and it hadn't been a month.
He begged for me to continue talking to him, to the point where he even offered to continue paying me for my time. I responded saying I had fun taking a break from my work, but wasn't interested in a "paid friendship", which this technically was, if I felt no need to speak to him. He was persistent with staying in touch with me. Seeing how hurt he was, I decided to keep talking to him freely.
As time went on, we spoke almost all the time, to the point that I was distracted from my work. My work is important to me, because it is what I do to put food on the table, and a roof over my head. I was ready to leave him again, in hopes to just focus on my work. But before I mentioned anything, he told me he loved me. It had only been a week of us talking.
From there, I could see I was already in too deep. From how enamored he was with me from the beginning, to how he said he loved me, I couldn't just leave him. The hours turned to days, while the days turned to weeks and I hadn't said I loved him back. But after a couple days later, he told me he was leaving to Washington for a convention with his step sister. I actually developed anxiety from him telling me that. Nowadays, I have a sense of worry for people I care for, when they got out to travel. Ever since the whole missing Malaysia Airline plane story broke out, I have a paranoid instinct that there's a chance a loved one might not make it home. Coming to terms with my emotions, I told him I loved him back.
We finally put a label on what we had, and said we were in a relationship. We talked about rings, a house, kids and marriage. I couldn't believe how deep we were in our relationship. I thought I loved him, but I didn't know what to think. I didn't like the feelings, and it was actually making me weaker as a person. As soon as we got together, our relationship showed signs of deterioration. Deterioration on my part was created, and also on his. He spent more time talking about me, than with me. I couldn't believe how much he stopped caring. When we would make plans to chat, he would blow them. I didn't like it at all. Feeling emotionally abandoned, I broke up with him through a video message on Skype. I didn't think it would bother him, considering he stopped talking to me, and never told me anything he was dealing with. I felt used. Considering how he talked so much about me then actually with me, he made me feel as if I was nothing more than a trophy wife. I cried right after I finished making the video message.
6 months later, my brother is living in North Carolina, with his 3 year old daughter and girlfriend. I hadn't seen my niece, and wanted to meet her. I seen her in pictures, and a quick webchat over my phone, but I wanted to meet her in person. At the same time, I already had my masters in psychology, and thought this was a good time to reinvent myself, and continue my work in other states. My reputation in NYC and in NJ is pretty terrible, and wanted to get away from it. I figured living in the south was a nice way to do so. I hadn't had much of a game plan to do so, I just started packing and got up and left for North Carolina. I knew my ex lived there, and the thought of possibly running into him in person honestly scared me. I didn't know if fate was gonna make us run into each other. I knew I had negative emotion towards him, and really didn't know what to do. I barely got real closure from him, and hadn't dated anyone ever since him. It made me see that closure from him was necessary to move on.
Remembering he had a computer business, I looked up the number to the establishment, and gave him a call during his regular business hours. I wasn't very happy when I called. My emotions immediately turned sour, and got tongue tied with my words. I hated the feeling. I just wanted to forget about him, and move on. I couldn't accept the fact that I was in love with him still. When I called him, I knew he would tell me he moved on, and he did. He was with someone else. I told him I would be in North Carolina, but not for him. I just wanted a way to get my closure, so I just asked if he could give it to me before I came around. He didn't. He instead said he'd break up with his girlfriend to be with me, and I didn't know how to react to that. I was happy, but sad. I knew everything we had been through, and I knew it would all happen again, but in person. That would kill me.
I had gotten a small place in North Carolina set up, and needed somebody to hold the apartment for me before I got there, so nobody else would rent it. My brother's girlfriend decided to. I asked her to stay there for a little bit to pay the bills there for me, and I will buy the apartment listing from you, and give interest in advance for doing me this favor. From there, everything seemed okay. My ex and I seemed to want to be together and work things out, and my brother and his girlfriend weren't fighting. All was well.
My ex and I spoke consistently after the last conversation. We would always send nude selfies to one another, and still send I love yous as well. From there, I asked him if this meant we were together in his mind. He said "Fine, you're my girlfriend. But only if you come here. No more long distance". But when I mentioned living together, he immediately seemed to back out of the deal. I was so confused. Someone who had told me they loved me, was their future wife, and was planning to break up with their girlfriend didn't want to live with me? I didn't understand it.
From there, I just left him alone on the subject, and said when he is ready, we can discuss it. I knew he was still technically in a relationship, so I pushed for closure. I didn't see a reason to be deeply in love with someone that clearly didn't want to be with me consistently. I didn't know what to think, or do. When I would push for closure, he wouldn't give it. But when I would push for a real relationship, he wouldn't give that either.
When I was finally in North Carolina, I told myself to just leave him alone. He needs time to think, and that's on him. I knew he was still in a relationship, so what would be the point of even meeting up? To be a homewrecker? I knew I already had that reputation in NYC, so it wouldn't make sense to bring it down to the south. As soon as I told him I was in North Carolina though, he broke up with his girlfriend. I couldn't believe he'd do that. He told me he was going to wait sometime before doing so, because he felt bad that his girlfriend was very nice to him. I didn't know what to think. Should I meet him, or should I not?
I didn't.
He needed time to think about what he just did. He just broke up with someone, because something "better" came along. It got me thinking this person I was in love with could potentially break my heart twice and leave me when something better comes along.
I was right to think this.
He called me later that night, asking when we could meet. I said I'd meet him in two weeks, but that was a lie. I wouldn't even tell him where I was. He would ask me why I didn't want tell him. I never gave a response. My actions were being made subconsciously. At the time, I couldn't explain it. I couldn't explain that I didn't want to meet him, because he broke up with someone like that. He didn't even do it in person. He did it through a text. So many emotions were running through my head. I had tallied up so much hypocrisy and contradiction from him that I couldn't bare falling in love deeper with somebody that just seemed so heartless. He didn't even know he was.
I knew my ex wasn't being himself. There was something wrong here.
I had read into every word he ever said to me. Every text he ever sent...
He has borderline personality disorder.
I cried on the phone to him. I said I'd meet him in two weeks, right before he told me he broke up with his girlfriend. It made me want to take it all back, but I couldn't find the words to tell him I wasn't going to meet him. As much as he seemed to deserve it, I couldn't just break his heart. I loved him. I still do. To find a way to get him to call off meeting up with me, I tried convincing him how terrible of a person I was, by reminding him about my past in the big city. How I lied about my name, how I use to be a dancer, and how I almost went into a life of prostitution. It didn't seem to bother him. He still wanted to meet.
I couldn't believe what I had done. I couldn't believe I didn't know how to just tell him. I needed more time to think, and decided to tell him I needed 2 months to get my income together, which was very true. I ended up working for another therapist in North Carolina, who in turn hired me as an assistant therapist in her study. I thought I had my dream job. She would give me the tasks of looking through portfolios made on her patients, make my own general analysis on her clients, and bring the research back. I noticed she used my work, and passed it on as if it were hers. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but when I found out she was making four times what I was making, I quit the job.
Soon after quitting, my mom called about a personal problem. She found out my father had been cheating on her with a prostitute in China. I couldn't figure out what to do, but simply come home. Around that same time, I had been receiving threatening phone calls from one of my male friend's girlfriends, threatening to kill me. She thought I wanted her boyfriend, and I didn't. It just seemed as though my life was so terrible. I was forced to change my number.
I went home to see my mom, my cousin Cori, and my uncle Gregory. We all lived in my mother and father's home in NJ, while my father was away in Asia. My cousin lived with me in my old bedroom, while my uncle slept in our only guest room. We had dogs that made so much noise in the background, while my cousin Cori was always being yelled at by my uncle, and her father. Even when she wasn't in the room, he'd yell for her. It was a nightmare living home. I just wanted my ex to let me come live with him, so I could get away from the nonsense, and help him with his bills.
I didn't know what to do. I called him, telling him how I needed the money I was working for, and knew he didn't like living with women who didn't have work. Back when we were in a relationship online, he told me how his ex didn't help with the bills, and seemed very unorganized. I didn't want to remind him of his ex, so I made it clear that I was in it to be somebody he could lean on when he needs me the most. Feeling abandoned, he told me that was the wrong thing to do. He said he waited for me, and wanted me. I wanted him too, but I won't meet somebody that called me their future wife, but didn't want to live with me. My life is in the north, and his is in the south. If he loved me, he'd give me a place to go instead of getting me to leave my life in the north, to just fend for myself in the south.
Weeks passed, and I discovered he was back in school. I figured this whole entire situation was insane. I wanted to break everything off with him so bad. I just kept pushing for my closure, the kind of closure I wanted, but he never gave it to me.
We texted each other one morning, where I asked him if I could finally be with him and live with him. He said he had too much going on where he had to go to his brother's wedding, so I had to wait until July. We had a discussion on how situations didn't really add up with him. I mentioned how he told me he loved me in just a week, and how he told people I was his future wife, and how he wanted to buy me a promise ring. At the time, I told him he shouldn't do it until we meet, but...he revealed to me that he did. I was shocked. He kept it all this time?
I immediately was hopeful for the future.
When the time came to finally meet up, he wouldn't give me an address to go to. I was confused. That same night...he told me he slept with another woman. Usually, I do not mind if a man is sexually frustrated and wants to have sex if his significant other is physically too far from him. That's fine. It's another situation if you added feelings into the mix. He said he really liked her. He said how they had so much in common, and that he practically loved her. It devastated me. The very next morning, I called basically demanding my closure. Not asking, not tricking, not begging, but demanding it. We spent a good half hour arguing. How I tried so hard to get a place organized in North Carolina, how I wanted to love him, how I just wanted to make us work. I couldn't explain myself properly at all. He told me how me coming to North Carolina was a total joke. How I wouldn't even meet him, or tell him where I was. At the time, I didn't understand why I did that, but now I can because I'm finally on the outside of those emotions and not inside them.
Towards the end of the conversation, he told me he tried to kill himself, just after I broke up with him when we still had our online relationship. It really hit a switch with me, and I didn't know how to react. I knew I was...very confused. I just couldn't figure him out.
We ended what we had that morning on such a sour note. With me crying, and him telling me he almost died
"I'm tired of being alone", he said. I couldn't understand. He got his wish. He wasn't alone.
" I finally have the human interaction I always wanted".
Implying I was rubbish, and implying I was never going to be enough....
This isn't how I wanted it to end. I never wanted it to begin, let alone end in tragedy.
No matter what, I still love him. He will always be in my mind, and in my heart. No matter how many times he called me crazy, made fun of me here and there or made me feel used, I still love him. I have been through a lot of hurt, a lot of pain, a lot of deaths, and a lot of loss, and pure poverty. My understanding of life is that we as humans need to keep in mind that people hurt people, because they've been hurt. They subconsciously hurt others, so they will never realize when they do it. That includes me. We have to love. We have to give it everyday. If we want the world to be a better place, we have to make the change. We must be the change we want to see.
Honestly, I know my ex is probably in another woman's arms. I know that woman is probably wearing my ring. Probably talking about the life were suppose to have, but it doesn't matter to me. I loved him, and I don't regret my time with him. When I say I love someone, I mean it. I never take it back. I'll call him pretty soon, and see how he is, but I guess in terms of showing I care, that's all I can do.
Babe, I know there's no chance you're reading this, but if you are, I love you. I always will. Take care of yourself.
(If you are struggling emotionally, please head to halfofus.com for resources to get help, stay supported and feel better. You can also speak to me here, or on Skype under the username psychedelicxfave. Please be sure to add me with the message "Bitcointalk user interested in psychology services".
