1. Dial 911 (or equivalent if you're one of the unfortunates Bitcoin criminals forced to live outside US).
2. Explain to the operator the depths of depravity that you have sunk to.
3. Stay on the line until the van arrives.
4. Walk out of your domicile slowly, with hands clearly visible and raised above your head.
You will be transported to the nearest appropriate agency.
I got through step 2. After explaining everything, they are now asking for your contact information. I pointed them at your post and they mentioned something about subpoenaing your IP address.
There is a lesson here: always troll while behind 7 proxies.