Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
Topic: Jokes and funny stories (Read 183 times)
Husband: "Hey my wife, how much do you love me? And what is the proof"?
Wife: "Very big, the proof is I will willingly do anything for your happiness"
Husband: "Sure, then I ask for something with you"
Wife: "What ?, my father's inheritance? I will give anything for you"
Husband: "I do not need inheritance, I just want to ask your permission"
Wife: "what permission"?
Husband: "I want to ask your permission so that I can marry again?
Wife: 😤😤😤😤
Wife: "Very big, the proof is I will willingly do anything for your happiness"
Husband: "Sure, then I ask for something with you"
Wife: "What ?, my father's inheritance? I will give anything for you"
Husband: "I do not need inheritance, I just want to ask your permission"
Wife: "what permission"?
Husband: "I want to ask your permission so that I can marry again?
Wife: 😤😤😤😤
In a village there was a lady in which three men wish to marry, the first man is a hunter, second one is a fisherman while the third one is a doctor,one day the lady went to the stream to fetch water but she was attacked by a crocodile 🐊. The three men came around to rescue her, the hunter shoot the crocodile while the fisherman carry the girl out of the stream and the other man who's the doctor treated her, so out of the three men who did you think the lady should marry
Q: Why are constipated people so rude?
A: They don't give a crap.
A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No s**t!'''
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: He only comes once a year -- and when he does, it's down a chimney.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: He only comes once a year -- and when he does, it's down a chimney.
Q: How can you always tell a blind man at a nude beach?
A: It's not hard.
A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the huband keeps looking.
She asks, "What are you waiting for?"
He replies, "Autumn."
Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men living there?
It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with the light on.
A: It's not hard.
A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the huband keeps looking.
She asks, "What are you waiting for?"
He replies, "Autumn."
Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men living there?
It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with the light on.
SIGNS YOUR MATE IS HAVING CYBER SEX
10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!
10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up! 7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!
10 REASONS YOU KNOW YOU BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER
1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, you'd got out of the way.
For years I thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. 'What are you doing for Tupac Shakur?' 'I don't know is that the one where you don't eat for 24 hours?' 'I think it's the one where you get shot in the face in Las Vegas.'
Steve Jobs was a great American. At his funeral his family made this elaborate tribute video and then it didn't work 'cause he needed Flash.
Bill Gates is so rich he hired cancer to kill Steve Jobs.
For years I thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. 'What are you doing for Tupac Shakur?' 'I don't know is that the one where you don't eat for 24 hours?' 'I think it's the one where you get shot in the face in Las Vegas.'
Steve Jobs was a great American. At his funeral his family made this elaborate tribute video and then it didn't work 'cause he needed Flash.
Bill Gates is so rich he hired cancer to kill Steve Jobs.
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
A customer moves away from a bank window,
counts his change, and then goes back and says to
the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
"Sir, you stepped away from the counter,"
said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after
you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now.
That's the policy of this bank."
"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just
thought you'd like to know that you gave me an
extra twenty. Bye."
counts his change, and then goes back and says to
the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
"Sir, you stepped away from the counter,"
said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after
you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now.
That's the policy of this bank."
"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just
thought you'd like to know that you gave me an
extra twenty. Bye."
What do you call a fish without an I?
FSH
FSH
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
An Uber passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver – I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver – I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Quote
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
This one is really amazing! and true! girls are really girls and they will react on the thing they want even you are not done explaining it.
they are just like Amazon that you will be dead in front of your friends if you did not let them do what they want.
Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked, "What's new?"
Yo mama so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the tub.
Yo' Mama is so fat, instead lint in her belly button, she's gathered full sweaters.
Yo mamma is so white she makes the pilsbeary doe boy look like a Mexican.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," so she turned around and went home.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she ran away from home, her parents called the dog catcher.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she couldn't identify a picture of her feet.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she went skydiving, she caused an eclipse.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she left her home country, the population dropped by 10%.
Yo' Mama is so poor, I saw her kicking a can down the street, and when I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Moving."
Yo' Mama's breath is so stanky, it's like her tongue farted.
Yo' Mama is so poor, she got married for the rice.
Q: What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a blue whale?
A: About 10 pounds.
Yo mama so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the tub.
Yo' Mama is so fat, instead lint in her belly button, she's gathered full sweaters.
Yo mamma is so white she makes the pilsbeary doe boy look like a Mexican.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," so she turned around and went home.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, when she ran away from home, her parents called the dog catcher.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she couldn't identify a picture of her feet.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she went skydiving, she caused an eclipse.
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she left her home country, the population dropped by 10%.
Yo' Mama is so poor, I saw her kicking a can down the street, and when I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Moving."
Yo' Mama's breath is so stanky, it's like her tongue farted.
Yo' Mama is so poor, she got married for the rice.
Q: What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a blue whale?
A: About 10 pounds.
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
A guy goes to the eye doctor. In the middle of the exam, the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting my nurse and me."
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
A guy goes to the eye doctor. In the middle of the exam, the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting my nurse and me."
Beautiful stories
I’m pleased
I’m pleased
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