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Is Joe Biden still creepy?

White House Press Flight Delayed After Biden Gets Into Plane’s Engine

WASHINGTON—Calling the incident a minor hiccup and saying the European trip would continue as planned, the White House was reportedly forced to delay a press flight Wednesday after President Joe Biden got into the plane’s engine. “As soon as we remove the president from the turbine, we should be able to proceed as scheduled,” White House press secretary Jen Psaki told reporters, adding that an auxiliary power unit had been rendered inoperable after the commander-in-chief crawled into a turbine looking for a snack he dropped. “Unfortunately, the president got pretty well wedged in there, so rescue crews have spent a few hours already trying to get him out. He got pretty startled, naturally, and crawled further in. Fortunately we’ve coaxed him closer to leaving the engine, and once we repair the wires he chewed, the diplomatic trip should hopefully continue without incident.” At press time, the flight had been delayed again on the runway after the president had somehow gotten back into the engine.

Biden, who called an emergency press conference at the White House Saturday, said members of the U.S. armed forces who sacrificed their lives in the service of their country deserved a death-defying stunt that involves clearing the 246-foot-long monument on a "souped-up" Harley-Davidson XR-750.

"There's no better way to pay homage to our fallen brothers than by letting it rip, hitting that ramp at full fucking blast, and flying through the sky high above the Vietnam Memorial," said Biden, noting that he also plans to execute a midair salute by placing his fingers around his mouth in a V shape and rapidly flicking his tongue. "If I grease the landing and ragdoll across the Constitution Gardens, so be it. I've had my share of spills."

"Ain't like I haven't broken a few bones or fractured my skull a couple times, either," the vice president added.

Biden told reporters he has spent all his free time over the past two weeks preparing for the perilous feat by tuning up his bike, overseeing construction of the plywood ramps, and personally installing a "bitchin'" sound system that will blast a to-be-determined John Mellencamp song from 20 different speakers during the jump.

The vice president said that to properly commemorate the bravery of America's fallen service members, he will also ride the motorcycle through a massive banner reading "All gave some, some gave all," which will be held in place by "a couple of hot numbers in bikinis" whom the vice president reportedly met during a recent trip to a D.C.-area Texas Roadhouse location.

After urging members of the media not to miss out because the performance is going to be "the shit," Biden spoke at length about modifications he has made to the bike to ensure he gets "big-time air.""

WILMINGTON, DE—Stressing that their patient’s health remained their primary concern, a team of medical experts announced Monday that a hairline fracture in Joe Biden’s foot had begun spreading throughout his entire skeleton. “After a slight accident from playing with [presidential rescue dog] Major, we were troubled to find a small fracture expanding from the president elect’s metatarsal into his shin, and eventually working its way up the fibula and femur and into the rest of his skeletal system,” said Dr. Edward Gross, adding that x-rays inspected by fellow members of the campaign’s medical office revealed that Biden’s sternum had almost entirely split down the middle due to the physical stress. “Of course, the small breaks in the 205 other bones in his body are concerning as well as the constant sound of cracking, but what we’re mainly worried about now are some of the hairline fractures in his skull. If those go, we could just see his entire skeleton start collapsing in on him.” At press time, a spokesperson for the campaign had announced plans to place Biden in a six-foot-tall protective boot.