Topic: Share a joke (Read 1091 times)

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

In addition I sent you a few New Years jokes
New Years Eve Short Jokes

1. What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
-I haven't seen you for a year!
2. What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
-He gave up thinking.
3. What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
4. What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve?
-Social Security
5. New Years Eve forecast:
-Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
6. What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops?
-Justin Bieber gets jealous.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

Good joke! There are only you and me stay! 

It is my favorite dark humor which I listened ever
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

This should be a thread for jokes, right?
So here are a few:

A man walks up to a janitor and asks him, "Don't you ever get tired of cleaning."
The man, taken back, says, "Excuse me sir. I'll let you know I have children at Harvard, Yale, and MIT."
The other man replies, "Oh really? I'm sorry, what classes are they taking?"
The janitor replies, "Nah, they're janitors."

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.
The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"
The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

signature spammers left the forum

Someone asked a loan of  satoshi with collateral

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

Did you hear what happened to the lepers' soccer team?  They were defeeted.  LOL

Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.” “Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.” But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.” Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

What did the leper say to the prostitute?   Keep the tip

Cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber goes
"Man, my life sucks. When I get big, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says,
"You think you have it bad? When I get big, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says,
"You think you have it rough? When I get big, they stick a rubber strap on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"
So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"
He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

Hahahahaha that was very funny. Pretty cool joke! 

joke ? i am

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

LOL!

Bruce Peterson walks into a bar:

Bartender: What you'll have, partner?
Bruce Peterson: A warm glass of my mommy's milk fresh from her titties.
Bartender: You're in luck. She was just here lactating prior to hitting the parkin' lot with several of my male patrons and a horse in tow.