So, I'm quietly sitting in my lair this morning minding my own Loupish business, when I am summoned to the front door to be greeted by a Postal Inspector. He invites me to come down to the Main Post Office and into a special room with cameras and mirrors, and lots of notices about decontamination and Homeland Security on the wall. He asks if I know anybody in Thailand. I thought for a moment, and replied that I didn't know anybody personally, had never traveled there in person, and did not know Gary Glitter. He smiled and pointed to a large white plastic box, sealed all the way around with very large and somewhat intimidating HAZMAT and BIOHAZARD labels on it. The following is a transcript of the conversation:
Inspector: "So you don't know anybody in Thailand who would want to mail biohazards to you, you say?"
Loup: "Nope, nobody in Thailand... wait, crap, I AM expecting some honey from those realms!"
Insp: "Honey? You are expecting "honey" from Thailand? And what else might be included in this "honey"?"
Loup: "Some bee propolis, and perhaps some minor imperfections, bee parts and the like, and it's not all really FROM Thailand, some of the honey is from Laos, and some is from the mountainous regions where the interpretation of international borders can be, shall we we say ambiguous at best?"
Insp: "I don't need to hear about international ambiguities, I want to know what was in this package before this hazardous material became un-packaged and distributed all throughout the packaging, the vehicles which carried it across the globe, befouled the delivery truck which brought it here, and got stuck in several of our high speed postal sorting machines, causing significant delays to all mail being distributed to 23 of the United States?"
Loup: (sensing Inspector's sense of humor is growing tenuous) "Just honey Sir, good clean, Thailandish and Laotian honey, mostly from government sponsored Thailandish bee hives, that quite interestingly are man-made as an economic empowerment project for the relatively impoverished Thailander Apiary-Enthusiast community. And perhaps a little Laotian honey, purely by coincidence, Sir, not by any malice of forethought to circumvent any international honey import/export proscriptions, but just some happenstance Laotian honey that may have been like the fly that fell into the well, honey if you please, Sir."
Insp: "Nothing but honey, you claim?"
Loup: "No, Sir I will only BEE straight with you, it's just honey."
Insp: "From Thailand?"
Loup: " Yup, from Thailand, and a little bit from from Laos, but looking at the currently drippy, and clearly no longer completely segregated state of the honey, I think we can assume is is now blended Thai-Laotian honey, which has become more of a Thai-Laotian blended honey paper infusion fluid at this time. But no biohazardosity, contrabandular, or haz-matishness condition should be inferred from the steadily growing pool of Blended Thai-Laotian honey paper infusion on your floor, Sir."
Insp: "And why did this honey get sent to you? And why in such a sorry state of packaging? There are millions of people waiting for their mail because of this, this, this... mess!!"
Loup: Well, Sir, it's like this... this guy named Goat, who has a total honey of a wife, offered Thai, and Laotian honey for sale on the interwebz as a fundraiser for the bitcoin community forum, and since I had recently enjoyed some tasty Burmese honey, I thought I could wrap up the Asian Honey Trifecta with a double hit of Thai and Laos in one package. So I sent him some bitcoins, and here, a little while later is the honey-ish result of my good intentions. My guess is with the impending Thai new year, and the attendant water splashing duties Goat and the lovely Mrs. Goat have facing them, well they may not be up to the mark on packaging vis a vis modern Western high speed package sorting and handling technology-wise. Sorry about the mess, Sir."
Insp: "His name is 'Goat'? What the hell kind of name is 'Goat'?"
Loup: "Actually he really goes by Chaang Noi- which I believe you would find on the return address if you were to break the Homeland Security Anthrax-proof seal you have on that container, probably written in Sumerian Thai cuneiform, and that would explain it all. He is Goat, I am Loup, and that is honey."
Insp: "Well who in the hell is going to pay for cleaning up this mess, you or Mr. Chaangly Goat or whoever the hell he is?"
Loup: "Umm, Sir, it's like this, since the transaction was in bitcoins, I guess any compensation would have to be in bitcoins. If you could just give me a delivery address for your wallet I would happily send you a couple of hundred Satoshis to cover any costs associated with this."
Insp: "What is this 'bitcoin' nonsense?"
Several hours of tortured explanation ensued at this point, suffice to say at the end he had no clue what bitcoins were, but he was irritated enough with dear old Loup to give me the bum's rush out the interrogation room, which was my plan from the get go.
Insp: "Just take your damn box and go. Now!!"
Loup: "Yup, I am outta here, Sir. Can I just borrow a genuine USPS crowbar to get this box unstuck from the table first?"
So, I guess I need to go on the list of needing some replacement Thai/Laotian honey. But I did score some cool labels for the office!
Man, I would totally buy your novels if you do write one!
