Q: How many black people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How can you count? It's dark.
Topic: The joke thread. (Read 2320 times)
Q : How many harry potters does it take to change a light bulb ?
A : One, Because the whole world revolves around him.
A : One, Because the whole world revolves around him.
There are three types of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.
There are two types of people in this world, those who can spell and those who cunt.
There are three types of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.
There are two types of people in this world, those who can spell and those who cunt.
Wife Swapping
The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.
The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. Clever enough!
After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hangover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter.
The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.
The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. Clever enough!
After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hangover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter.
2016 Presidential Election
A young man saw a small house in a forest with an old man living there. The young man asked if he could stay for the night. “Certainly,” the old man said, “but dishonor my daughter and I will torture you.” The young man agreed. The daughter came down for dinner. She was beautiful.During the night the young man snuck into her room. After the deed, he crept back to his room. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Torture 1: Large rock on chest.” He thought, “I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up and threw the it out the window. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read “Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” figuring that a few broken bones were better than getting castrated, he jumped out of the window after the rock As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, make sure your friend is actually dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, make sure your friend is actually dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
There are three types of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
Took me some time to get it. "Pause" , "Paws"
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, he slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."
The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."
Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve-year-old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.
The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."
Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve-year-old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.
I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. - i think this joke is in trend now considering how many girls draw such eyebrows
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.
This one is simple, but it is one of my all-time favorites:
What goes buzz, buzz, buzz, plop!?
A bee laughing its head off!
What goes buzz, buzz, buzz, plop!?
A bee laughing its head off!
A man is traveling for work and stops into a local bar one evening. As he walks in he notices there's a live horse on the stage and a jar of money on the end of the bar. Curious, the man asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the horse and the jar of money?"
The bartender replies, "It's simple. You drop a dollar into the jar and try to make the horse laugh. If the horse laughs, you keep the jar of money."
The guy looks at the bartender, shrugs and has a drink.
When he finishes his drink, he drops a buck into the jar, walks up to the horse and whispers something into its ear. The horse starts laughing uncontrollably, so the man walks back to the bar. The bartender is obviously dumbfounded, but hands the guy the jar of cash. The man thanks him, drops a nice tip and leaves.
Several months later the same man is back in town on business. After a day of meetings he heads back to the same bar and sees the same situation: a horse on stage, and a jar of cash on the bar.
The bartender sees the guy and tells him, "This time, if you can make my horse cry, the jar of cash is yours."
The man sits down and has a drink. When he's finished, he drops a dollar into the jar and heads up to the stage. He stands right in front of the horse. Seconds later, the horse is crying its eyes out.
Like the time before, the man heads back to the bar. The bartender is truly dumbstruck and asks the man, "I have to know! Last time you were here, you made my horse laugh. This time you made him cry. What did you do?"
Grabbing the jar of cash and dropping a tip on the bar the man says, "Last time I told him my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."
The bartender replies, "It's simple. You drop a dollar into the jar and try to make the horse laugh. If the horse laughs, you keep the jar of money."
The guy looks at the bartender, shrugs and has a drink.
When he finishes his drink, he drops a buck into the jar, walks up to the horse and whispers something into its ear. The horse starts laughing uncontrollably, so the man walks back to the bar. The bartender is obviously dumbfounded, but hands the guy the jar of cash. The man thanks him, drops a nice tip and leaves.
Several months later the same man is back in town on business. After a day of meetings he heads back to the same bar and sees the same situation: a horse on stage, and a jar of cash on the bar.
The bartender sees the guy and tells him, "This time, if you can make my horse cry, the jar of cash is yours."
The man sits down and has a drink. When he's finished, he drops a dollar into the jar and heads up to the stage. He stands right in front of the horse. Seconds later, the horse is crying its eyes out.
Like the time before, the man heads back to the bar. The bartender is truly dumbstruck and asks the man, "I have to know! Last time you were here, you made my horse laugh. This time you made him cry. What did you do?"
Grabbing the jar of cash and dropping a tip on the bar the man says, "Last time I told him my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."
This one needs some searching...
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis...!!!
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis...!!!
How did men a long time ago used to find wives?
a. booby traps
a. booby traps
Sorry for bumping a 4-year old thread, but no one is posting any more jokes? WTF?
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me, I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me, I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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