Topic: 4 months rehab - relapse, ask your questions! - page 2. (Read 6434 times)

Very honest and powerful story, it helps you to tell your story; it's hard man; good luck!
I can tell you it is possible not to consume and have a healthy life and healthy relationships but you have to break a lot of habits, maybe move, get a job, meet new people; easier said than done right?

Thought I'd give an update, took amphetamine for the first time in over 6 months today, it's not something I take a lot because I like sleeping . My life has been getting worse and worse, more isolation, people only come over to buy, maybe stay for a joint then leave. All old friends except a few has more or less quit the contact with me, getting more and more depressed (sleep for 17 hours some days). To those of you thinking of relapsing; dont!

On the positive I'm getting more and more experience from this life so hopefully I'll get sick of it soon enough and go to another home ("positive").. Right now I am just switching drugs day by day trying to find something that I can function on (aka self-medication, I am not fooling myself though I use more than self medication) and I've quit the Subutex, for now anyway. Was clean from opi for 14 days, used Lyrica (Pregabalin) instead, then on day 15 I took 40mg of Methadone, thinking just going to use this once.. Day 1 was fine, day 2 buy 2 liters of beer get fucked with more benso in the mix. Nice nod, had one of those deep breaths but I think I may have started imagining them as more dangerous than they are sometimes - either way dumb fuck mix.

Nice feeling back, and on way to order it the 2nd day when it was getting out of my system and I were getting chills and diarréa again (which symptoms by the way had become much better, the hard part was done), so transferred money to a drugsite to order more, but stopped myself in the last second. Methadone will be the death of me if I keep going and I know this because in order to start dozing off I need large doses and to mix with alcohol which is very dangerous. During rehab I came to find out I should have been dead at least 40 times, and there are propably times I don't remember - mixing alcohol+benz+methadone recklessly without tolerance to neither alcohol or opiates, always at least 40mg and VERY MUCH BEER, like 3 people would get drunk from that... And those are the times I remember, propably woken up, taken breath and then fallen asleep and forgot about it a lot. Lucky to be alive is an understatement.

Tried swapping the benso that I always take every day when using, 2 years before rehab, now 3-4 months - for Tramadol, but Tramadol gives me a hard time falling asleep so gonna try something else.. I know I need to go to a home but I also know that I will relapse if I do.

If the social services finds out I've been mixing methadone+alcohol again they will lock me up in a rehab home with bars on the windows for half a year.

TLDR; Life is shitty right now, isolated and can't really find myself the right path.

I call it selective memory - this also applies for gambling addicts (or any addict), even if they lose 99 times out of 100 the brain choose to ignore the losses and celebrate the win instead. So they keep going, somewhere knowing that  the path they are going down is wrong but the wins are just "WOAH FUCK YEAH". As I've said I was sober for a little bit more than 70 days, and yeah that was thanks to the rehab and the 12 steps. Yeah, there is no cure for us addicts but we can keep the "disease" (hate calling it disease, it's a brain disorder just like ADHD/ADD/Autism etc) at bay dedicating our lives to the 12 steps. I don't want to be controlled or brainwashed /lets face it the program is a big brain wash, maybe a positive one but still brainwash. I wont have it, so switch addiction to something else is what I need to do right now.. In the end I need to find balance but it's hard, hardest thing you can do as an addict.

I saw life without drugs or my computer addiction and it was great but my brain is very active, I can never relax. Train station or washing machine is a good way to describe how my brain is when I am not on drugs or have other distractions, I've come to realize that my thoughts are the root to my insomnia issues. This problem is in the way for my sobriety, at the rehab home I almost went nuts towards the end because of this. It's a problem that I don't know how to solve, maybe 10 years of trying to meditate will do..

You dont sound rude at all, us addicts need to hear hard facts, got a taste of that from a friend yesterday. It can be wakeup calls if lucky.
My abuse has reached the point where I'm tired of this side of life again so gonna try to break it up. Been using Sub+Benzo EVERY day since I came out from rehab but today I skipped the Subutex at least (replaced it with Lyrica (pregabalin) in normal doses. I don't feel anything from it anymore so I am going to try to leave it behind.. Eventually everything (as u say I got the tools, and I know how to make the detox easier by using less and less). I am no longer welcome to my mothers house which is a heavy thing, grew up there and love the place - consequence.

Btw try to break up your text next time so it's easier to read, you know the expression wall of text.

I had another consequence a week ago, broke a finger so my left hand is in a cast, so sorry for spelling errors.

Good to hear.Best of luck.
Drugs aren't good.Life is pretty even without drugs and needles.There is no trouble in drinking on weekends but using drugs,God I am always 10 foot away from users and addicts.Drugs isn't the answer,I think.

I know, but that goes for pretty much everything in the world :/

Don't start anything that could be bad and time consuming if done too much : no new video games, no alcohol ect.

Broke my finger yesterday, smashed a wall in rage while fucked up. Plaster for 3 weeks, 2 hospital visits 3rd comming up in a week.

I notice you don't have the addictive gene/brain disorder/whatever. I've been obsessed with everything I like the slightest since I was 5 years old for example I had read over 10k pages of books at 10 years old, been spending over 1000 days effective time in front of WoW. I can't control it' my obsessions take over.

And social. Don't forget social you hang around with very sick people, I've had a knife to my throat once and he was on Benso+Alcohol, scratched me could have ended real bad. The good old friends go away because you are no fun to hang around with.

Why don't you have more self control? That is what using drugs in moderation is all about.

Drugs are bad because they have physical and psychological short medium and potentially long term negative effects, they cost a lot, you don't know the quality and you end up trading real happiness and great moments in the future for uncrotollable fun moments in the present

I get quite a few PM from people thanking me for the info or the questions answered. Please post in the thread unless you want to be anonoyous - that way people may get some questions answered, sometimes a detail can save a life.

I am at a good friend right now, been taking uppers and been playing poker all night and doing really well When I have the Ritalin or Amphetamine I can really play.

I realised something yesterday, I do everything I can to live on the edge to say. Not literally everything but I ride a lot of bike as I said (and I am a good biker) and I've crashed 3 times in 4 days. Just scratches but 2 of them could have ended my life.
We can take and example; red light crossing, see car comming towards his green light but I take my chances and peddle on through the red light. Or if I see a post I try to ride as near it as possible... Or like today went down a small grass hill which was very steep - it ended with a short pavement to wall off the grass. So I came there in decent speed, dead end stop and flew off the bike.

Another injury from biking, I was going to ride on the back tire, fell straight into the pavement from behind. Landed on elbow but it could have been the headsmash iinstead.

That's just biking examples, I do a lot of stupid shit...

EDIT: picture of my sex legs now, https://i.imgur.com/uvkcZVQ.jpg make it into a link because people may find it gross. Fun to walk around with that during summer times



SERIOUSLY KIDS: DONT TRY DRUGS!!!

Life right now is sleep at friends couches. Sometimes I can bring my computer, others I can't. I have an apartment but it's not usable for 3 more weeks. Been like this all the time since I came, it creates a worry in itself.

LOT and LOT of Sub/Ben/Booze (especially Benso) togher for many days now.. Starting to notice on my appearance declining and all stressed up in my body. Not the optimal situation

But I ride my bike a lot, and try to not stay indoors too much, take some of the rehabing with me. (30 minuites spinning bike every 6/7 days) so that's good.

Yeah fine just have a lot to do But I try to answer questions for a few hours now.

Good for you, beer is not healthy. 

Yes very comfortable, I've learned to live with it. But I think I have ADD/ADHD too because my brain never rests. Nothing is going on, she put her foot down and I am not welcome there on substances. She had pills, she doesn't anymore. Not an addict, the opposite (father addict grandfather addict).

Powerful indeed, I could never feel safe or calm. Sometimes when doors slam I get anxiety attacks, short ones. Don't remember if I came up with but it fits, other has had it way worse though. I dont really want to go into that part.

Sounds like something I would like to try, speciallized for every human being. The rates would go up (right now 2 out of 100 make it after 40 day rehab, number we heard there). I was there for 4 months, but they didn't mention the % like that, so guess 4-5% (THAT STAY SOBER!!). If it was high he would have mentioned a number. I have my own apartment that is payed for. So roof over head and food, but also heard something about a farm, it's a possible way to get sober.

I can only talk from experience but I think it's a gene or brain disorder. It it's not an untreatable thing, you treat it as you treat cancer. But then you dedicate your whole life to them in the end.

Hope I didn't miss anything

I dont even drink beer , hope u are ok brah

Very interesting point of view of something who doesn't theorize but lived it
Of course it can get better but you have to create the environnement to be able to suceed against the drug.
What is revolting is that the State first treats addicts like people that need to be punished and leave them in the hands of the mob that sells overprized often bad quality drug without any after sell services

Lots of things here to wonder about. I was surprised when you said you were autistic. Is this a label that sits comfortably with you? Could you say more about when and how you got diagnosed?

Some days ago I was going to point out the potential double meaning when you said 'my mother is helping me with my addiction'. And now it seems like she has pills in the house, so what's going on here?

'Terror' is a very powerful word to use in connection with your father, and to my mind not an autistic person's choice of word. Perhaps someone else came up with the word?

Anyway, in one of my rehabs they treat these traumas separately; people who've been in torture camps, wars, accidents or domestic hells can be treated by hospital psychologists for PTSD-like symptoms very effectively. It takes the power out of these (series of) incidents and means you can get on with being a normal recovering addict.

It's pretty hard to get a year of rehab out of the authorities, but they do sometimes have dry communities to house you in afterwards, and there are other dry farms and communities where you farm or work solidly for as long as it takes. None of that appealed to me, but I did plan for after rehab so that it would be different this time.

Don't get too fixated on any one of the sayings in the recovery world. eg 'you have to reach a rock bottom'. Fuck that, better to wonder 'how many rock bottoms have I already reached?'

Or 'there's only a 20% sobriety rate at early stage A or month B'. Fuck that too; while it is often so much easier to recover if I give up some of my drug-addled theories about my individualism, in this case, surely, I want to be in the lesser crowd, the 20%, and then the 5% who get to stage C or month D, and so on. At some stage I am allowed to say 'I am not most people'.

How to characterise addiction? Disease, punishment(!), weakness, character trait? Whatever works for you in order for you to hurdle it. People use these formulations to stay stuck: it's incurable, most people die of it, or I did bad or I am bad or I can't help it. Well, newsflash my addict friends, things change.

They told me that there are several treatments - 12 steps isn't as common here as it is in the US. Meditation I've tried (maybe 40 times but the thoughts are still floating aorund fucking it up). I know I may need more training there.

As to the autism ADD etc it's just small maps the goverment puts us in. We are different - however concentrating during a test with ADD is hard.
Also I would rather call it addictive personality than disease because it's more like autism or similar than a cough, but I know that there is something different with us "disease" people because a craving like that aint normal. I stole pill from my mom last week.

The one size fits all is because it works for most people - I clearly need other treatment but truth is that AA/NA works for many people out there. Brainwash but kinda in a good way - everything is better than drugs.

Yeah animal sounds good companion - thing is that I am really hard on myself because I find my useless (found out this during the steps), it's thanks to bullies and psycho terror from father.