Topic: 4 months rehab - relapse, ask your questions! - page 3. (Read 6468 times)

Thank you, that's what 5 years of gaming (effective time) will give you I find autism as both a blessing and a curse, but it would be nice to think like "normal" people constantly, oh well. I tried meditation at the home, but it didn't bring the massive train station of thoughts away. Some yoga as well.
I've been thinking about a dog than I have something else to prio #1 on. But I've also seen dogs end up terribly in this life, so need to think about if I can handle it.

I know what you mean about all this negative stuff, but that thinking is hard to change... Tried it but it came back. I could definatly use 1 year or so rehab, then I think things would be fixed. but Social Services wouldn't give me that much time and I wanted to bash my head in after 4 months.

Very interesting post (it would have been nicer to read if you were separating the text in a few paragraphs)

Meditation will help anyone being healthier and happier; it is free and powerful

sickhouse, they have tried to tell me I need to do the 12 steps etc to stay clean. Ive told them bullshit to their faces, and tried to explain to them that theres is more than one way to solve a problem, and one approach that helps one person may not do anything for another. I would recommend meditation. Ive found it very fulfilling, and have discovered many oppressed feelings, and secrets by meditating by myself once a day. I know what you're going thru, and its very frustrating. Youve mentioned you have autism and also ADD, or ADHD. I am also diagnosed ADD, for over 10 years now, but have never been medicated for it. I have been suffering more from the symptoms and have been thinking about seeing a dr. again for this issue. I wish u luck, and hope you can get to the core of your issues. Also dont dwell on staying sober for the rest of your life, try to take it day by day. One at a time, and you will find its not so overwhelming.. I never used to believe in the disease, but as Im confronting my own demons, Im starting to wonder what drives these cravings, and other symptoms we suffer from. I believe I have a highly addictive personality, but is that really a personality trait, or is it the disease? Its very hard to deal with I understand. Ive heard all of the counseling, and I can agree to disagree with most they say, though some of it makes sense. Just hate how they confront it with a one size fits all approach, bc each persons mind is very complex and very unique. I feel much of their studies are from books, and they try to convince you what they feel is right and appropriate, when theyre really grasping at straws. I feel its more important for us to confront ourselves, and dig deep to find out why we began using, and what issues we have oppressed, and confront them head on. These issues need dealt with and cant be buried forever, or else they keep resurfacing.. I wish u luck I hope you well, and if u need anything pm me plz.

You know you have a problem but you also need to know why you take drugs and what you can do to solve the problem that makes you take drugs once you know it

Maybe you were stuck cos you wanted to go out and use again. Can't do both - feel and drug.

You're being really hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Plenty of time to use your potential and relax properly when you're better.

For now your brain is kind of under attack from all the chemicals, it's not so much a personal feature, don't worry.

Good advice from Nottm there. just one thing, maybe care for a plant (not that one!) or a small animal first.

From your posts it is clear you are indeed intelligent with excellent command of the English (or American language). You say you have autism, then you are extremely high functioning which is good. Take up karate or yoga, some 'art' where you need to focus your mind. When you find yourself dwelling, go for a walk. Buy a dog or a cat, care for something other than 'you' that helps too. Use your intelligence to beat off negativity. See negativity as a black hole - don't be sucked in. Learn what works and what doesn't - it will take time but you should understand it can and has been done. Random people care more for you than you think. Being human is not easy - it's a struggle for us all.

I have autism, I propably have both ADD and ADHD. But that doesn't help me, the "solution" for that is to give out pills and if I take one I take more.

It could be a medical issue - an imbalance in the brain's chemicals is quite often a diagnosis. The drugs wont work, they'll just make it worse...

Yeah I need more help that's for sure. But how to reach feelings that you've been burying for 80% if not all your life? I could have stayed 2 more months at the rehab (we had 6 meetings a week, was there for 4 months), but I was stuck. Come to a point where I need to get access to feelings that I've never felt.... Like totaly happiness (except on drugs tho). I know I am not worthless but in my heart I'm just a piece of crap who never done anything with his life and takes his IQ that could be used for great problems and drown them in drugs..

Another thing I realized a big part of why I use is that I have so much going on in my brain... Like so much. Takes me 1-2 hours at least every night to fall asleep because of thoughts and it's just random thoughts - my brain is very active and the drugs help down this down a bit (even tho it get's too much after a while). Lanundry machine, new york train station it never rests up there. After a lot of pill mixed with other shit I can relax and that's the only time I can relax that I know of.

All sounds tough right now. I been there got the t-shirt. Now I'm only like half mad.

You need more help sounds like. Therapy? Meetings? Moar rehab?

Stay strong!

The thing is that I am a highly intelligent person - this is not to brag it's just a fact. Never done an IQ test but been told all my life and people notice minutes after meeting me. So I take the rehab and the facts in to 100%, I understand everything and I am glad that I can help my family to some degree now. But the problem is that I can't reach it emotionally, my social worker wrote down 40 overdoses in 2 years (I woke up without air in my lungs at least 40 times, thats the moment your heart is about to stop), yet I am back doing drugs again.. Only one word for this and it's FUBAR.. I have no idea what to do. I have been putting away my feelings for so long (I can feel sympathy empathy sadness etc but never appriceate myself, even tho I know I am a great guy intelectually - everybody liked me at the rehab and kept telling me what kind of a good person I am, and been hearing that for a long time now.. But it just doesn't matter in some FUBAR way it doesn't make any difference whatsoever.

I don't know what triggered it really - I think all along somewhere I still wanted to keep using even when doing the right things (and I went 98% in for 4 months). Was thinking a lot about drugs but I don't think that's what triggered it. Maybe I am one of the person who "needs a relapse (BS)"..

I know all that, I took the program with my 100% intellectually. But the problem is that 40 OD's in 2 years and I still want to use... This brain disorder (prefer to call it instead of disease, it's like Autism something you are born with) is very very tough to handle...

"try oral marijuana" - Dr. Zoidberg

what trigger your relapse?

Thanks for sharing and good luck, stay away from situations, places and people that make you consume; as you know it will take time but you will get better

Im not sure what u mean by how many cycles, but Ive been getting high for the last 15 years. Only time i really quit was a couple times when I went to jail. This time around I Found myself in jail and I lost everything in the process.. I had once wondered where my bottom was also, I think ive found it. Because Im finding myself having to start completely over from nothing when I once had the world by the balls. Its not easy. I feel like having so many ppl thinking I will fail drives me to want to succeed and show them wrong. I have never been one for authority either so if u tell me not to do something, Im going to want to do it even more. This time is different because there is noone telling me or nagging me, Im just doing it for myself, and for my future. I cant afford to allow them to knock me off my square again, and I cant stand being part of the "system" so Im really giving it a go this time. I have bigger dreams than being a slave to drugs, and I cannot attain my dreams being addicted to drugs. Try to stay positive, and keep your nose clean.

No I am not using Heroin, I mix Sub/Benz/Alcohol mainly. Never used needles because I know that would be the death of me, the detox wasn't a walk in the park (2 years 2-20mg Rivotil + Sub/Methadone and others).

I know that I feel better sober but somewhat I can't take it in, it's too hard to stay sober. I know the duglife, I don't know the "Normal" life where you work 9 to 5. For one it sounds boring as shit and you have to pay 30%+ taxes here in Sweden... feels rewarding.  They talk about reaching your personal bottom, I wonder where mine is. Because I've had almost died 30 times the last 2 years, never been homeless or similar though. My mother is helping me with my addiction, but I've told her to start going to groups regarding how we addicts work and what they should do and shouldn't do.

It's funny when you mention computer, it's what started everything for me. Gaming 12 hours a day, became boring and drugs was an easy escape. I woked out a lot on the rehab, spent 30+ minutes 5/7 days a week on the spinning cyckle and some muscle training, muscle memory ftw, looked somewhat ripped now.

I really really tried this rehab to 100% but the result wasn't good. Hopefully I'll get better some day in the future but I dont see it in the 6 months comming up.

Thanks for the kind words, nice to have people who understand you.

EDIT: how many cycles before you got clean?

Im really sorry to hear of your troubles SH.  Its not easy, but your bigger and better than this thing, and I trust you can overcome it.