here you go..
As Kenny slumbers in the MSD “boiler room” and Agent Hagerty and his dame go out on the town, visions are dancing in his head. Not visions of Sugar Plum Fairies mind you, similar but different. What dances in Kenny’s head are visions of Sugar Bum-Chums, a certain bum chum in particular, to be exact, and distant memories of the long past afternoons spent in each other’s loving embrace. Ahhhhh, Kenny was almost feeling warm and safe, lost in his dreaming of Zum Zero’s warm salty kisses. When he had met him, Zum was still doing the rounds, selling himself to anyone with 20 pesos or simply giving it away in the lowest dirtiest toilets in Tijuana. He looked so pathetic, kneeling there beside the urinals, with his moustache dripping like a glazed donut and clutching at the trousers of the cripples and madmen who filtered through. Kenny instantly fell in love, right then and there. He pulled the wasted human ashtray to his feet and slapped his face sending blobs of smegma in all directions and knocking zum out of his priapic stupor just long enough to tell him straight up; ”Boy, I want you! I want your body! Come away from here, with me. I’m here to save you, son.”
Zumzero can’t believe it. All his life he had been nothing but a toilet boy, a sub-bottom who existed in filth and lived only to be stepped on and spat on and have cigarettes put out on his naked chest. He never even let himself dream that there could be more, but now this. Sure the guy was old, and his breath smelled like Lysol, and he was morbidly obese, and bald, and “not much” down there. And, Oh yeah, the chronic flatulence…but, of course, zum kinda dug that actually. He liked to get right in there and sniff it all in, bury his face in those pale, sweaty ass cheeks and just feast on Kenny’s hot blasts of retched gas. True love and a match made in heaven.
They got a cheap room and didn’t emerge for days, just lying around in each other’s arms, lovingly feeding each other, Ken feeding zum Jaffa Cakes and Marmite, zum feeding Kenny 151% corn liquor and pickled eggs. Bliss. But soon enough reality began to creep back in “I can’t stay here forever my love” Kenny explained to zumzero, “ I told everybody I was in California doing some kinda technology dealie…I have to return to Missouri sometime…they’ll get suspicious.”
“I don’t understand,” says zum, “are you an engineer? Is it some sort of IT thing?”
“I couldn’t tell you if I knew my little Zummy-Wummy, the whole thing is a mystery to me…it has something to do with internet and math n stuff, at least that’s what I think it is…”
Ken looks off into the middle distance and sighs…”look, its like this; I say all this random bullshit online and there are people out there who are stupid enough to give me money.”
“What?” Zum ejaculated, “Real money?”
“No” Kenny replied, wiping the ejaculate from his forehead, “bitcoin money, but my nephew says its ok and he buys them from me for 5 cents a piece! HA! I’m really a rich guy, you know, I’ve made over 27 dollars doing this, and The Man is none the wiser.”
A police siren sounded outside and a pack of viscous dogs went wild taking the edge off the romantic mood in this skid row flop-house room and replacing it with a vague sense of dread for a moment.
“That sounds really keen, Daddy” says Zum, spellbound by this immense shit-pile of a man and his fantastical tales of riches and gold. Easy money! “and I think I know a way I can help…”
Change Tijuana to Glasgow then add more iNTELLiHASH, and you've got another winner!