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Topic: Choosing between your relationship and gambling. (Read 329 times)

hero member
Activity: 2912
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Winding down.
February 16, 2023, 06:57:17 AM
#66
Where's the trust? Why compare him with someone else from her own past experience? And she should ask him first if he had done something like selling properties, pawning things, loans, or anything money related just to supply the gambling habit.

She found out about his hobby so what? We, men, don't need them to be supportive of what we are doing, as long as we don't cross the line. That's where they come in. I have been gambling for years too and my wife doesn't actually care what I gamble as long as I am responsible, can supply them with their needs and a little luxury. Now that's trust.
Maybe she is just exaggerating because of his previous experience, like a trauma, but it can be fixed thru explanation. They won't go farther if your cousin stops and won't be happy anymore. Worse, he will hide the hobby and it leads to an unhappy relationship filled with fights.
Not all gamblers have the same way of thinking and on how they deal with their individual issues. If her brother ends up a gambling addict, it’s because he chose it and the way he responded to it leads him to a more serious gambling addiction. But her brother and his fiancée are way more different. Your cousin knows how to handle his gambling addiction and it even provide him as his side hustle. So there’s no reason that he should stop gambling, as he can still in full control of his life and on his relationship with his fiancée. Otherwise, if he will stop gambling to save their relationship, it only means he agrees on the assumptions of his fiancee.
hero member
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Initially, I thought the older cousin did not have time for the fiancee because of gambling before I realized that it was about forcing him to quit. Well, a party in a relationship should not force things on the other, that should is not acceptable. Courtesy demands the fiancee to take her time to investigate the situation and know how responsible he is towards the act. See, there are best husbands and fathers that gamble, and there are most irresponsible fathers and husbands that do not gamble. For someone to be gambling does not mean he's irresponsible, so the fiancee should not condemn him. Since this earns him extra income, I don't think is a bad idea in all ramifications.

#Case study:
My wife (then fiancee) about a decade ago frowned at the fact that I drink alcohol. But as a man, I let her know that I can "never" quit because I don't abuse it. She talked and talked, but I did not listen. On getting to know me and my drinking habit, could you believe that she's the one using her money to stock the house of it till today?

Once what you do makes you happy or supports you financially, I see no reason why you should stop it.
hero member
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She was having a traumatic due to her brother, the problem she haven't move on from that's case and thinking every gamblers are bad, this thought is wrong because not all people want to gamble to make money. Your cousin don't need to wasting time for such girl, if she can't accept your cousin is a gambler, just broke up and looking for other girl. Remember, in this world there are billions of woman and not only she.

Good point! The girl just need an assurance that she will not be experience that same problem with his brother, you are correct
talking about this matter can give them a better understanding of the situations.
I can say that if they will sit it out and make an agreement to make sure that gambling participation will not be an issue
between them.
I disagree, when the @OP's cousin make a mistake, she will try to make a correlation about gambling even though there's no relation between gambling and the mistake.
hero member
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I think he should give the girl the choice and let her decide what she really wants.
From all indication it's conspicuous about what her choice is which is my cousin should completely quit his gambling act and probably engage in other means of extra income other than gambling. And I suspect that her hate for gambling is what informed this development.

I understand where the girl is coming from, your cousin will soon become her husband and she wants a smooth relationship and does not want to experience what she has gone through with her brother experience, they need to talk this out and come to an agreement to something that will strengthen the situation, the girl just wants a guaranty that she is marrying a guy who can responsibly run a family and gambling will not become a big concern on their relationship and your cousin needs to prove this and guaranty it.

Good point! The girl just need an assurance that she will not be experience that same problem with his brother, you are correct
talking about this matter can give them a better understanding of the situations.
I can say that if they will sit it out and make an agreement to make sure that gambling participation will not be an issue
between them.

It's tough to work with the situation that you already have a broad pictures because of what happens from your relatives.
hero member
Activity: 2534
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I'll take "responsible gambler" as a hobby. And if he has been pursuing this hobby for years without any negative impact on him or his family, why should I allow someone to take control of what gives me enjoyment?

It feels like I am being controlled to give up a harmless hobby that I genuinely enjoy just to please someone else, who may be projecting their past experiences with their own family onto my situation. Either she trusts your cousin to know his limits and ensures that they can still live comfortably even if something goes wrong, or she should walk away.
Sometimes we can't understand girls. They can suddenly feel irritated without a reason but we should not take this seriously because they can just calm down after sometimes and they will then realize their mistakes. Maybe it's also true that some girls do this because it reminds them of their past, like they are once an addicted gambler or they have an ex-boyfriend who is an addicted gambler and they broken up because the guy can't change.

If this is the case then I think we guys can also understand it but we will make an agreement first that once we start to become an addict, that is only the time we will stop gambling if not then feel free to break the relationship.
legendary
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I think he should give the girl the choice and let her decide what she really wants.
From all indication it's conspicuous about what her choice is which is my cousin should completely quit his gambling act and probably engage in other means of extra income other than gambling. And I suspect that her hate for gambling is what informed this development.

I understand where the girl is coming from, your cousin will soon become her husband and she wants a smooth relationship and does not want to experience what she has gone through with her brother experience, they need to talk this out and come to an agreement to something that will strengthen the situation, the girl just wants a guaranty that she is marrying a guy who can responsibly run a family and gambling will not become a big concern on their relationship and your cousin needs to prove this and guaranty it.
sr. member
Activity: 938
Merit: 275
I am sure the lady accepted to date your cousin because he likes him, so because your cousin is into gambling doesn't mean that all gamblers will end up with the same fate just like how the lady's brother ended up, there are responsible people that gamble and take their responsibilities very seriously, the case of the lady's brother is just like the same thing happening in my family right now, having fun with gambling is different from getting addicted to gambling. My brother is currently facing the same addiction, which you can read here.

https://bitcointalksearch.org/topic/m.61762369
sr. member
Activity: 574
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My relationship is so much important to me that I cant trade it for anything. Certainly not for gambling. I've seen marriages fall apart due of gambling.
A few years ago, my next-door neighbor, a gambler, sold all of his assets, including those of his wife, for gambling purposes. His wife would later dumped him because, in her opinion, this wasn't the first time such an incident had taken place. With his family, he hardly pays any attention. While gambling itself isn't a terrible thing, gambling addiction has caused many failed relationships and split ups in unions. Over and over again, I'll put my relationship above my gambling.
hero member
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I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.

Since he is your cousin's fiancee and your cousin soon to be a wife so there is a possibility that he will share your cousin's financial obligation and more so when they have children your cousin's fiancee has a cause of concern, actually his fiancee has all the right to know about his gambling activity because gambling addiction is also a ground for divorce or separation.
Your cousin should have explained all this before they become engaged, even if he is gambling responsibly because his fiancee already suffered this concern about his brother's gambling.
They really need to talk to settle this, this is what happens if you are not honest with your partner, never hide something that deals with finances from your future wife.
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I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancée too.
If your cousin has to choose gambling over his fiancée, then you should choose gambling because he obviously does not love her. While he may not have come into contact with a pathological gambler or the dangers of being one, his fiancée appears to have, and she is terrified of what gambling may get him into. She is aware that the addiction will have an impact on him, on her, on their relationship, and on their lives. And for her, it is better that she is alone than if she leaves with someone who is a gambler who will be in her life forever. So I think she made the right choice or asked the right question.
sr. member
Activity: 1232
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@OP what can question is this? No one will make choice, excerpt your partner doesn't like gamble and she's ready to sponsor your bills. To me anything that's paying your bills are important and should not taking for granted for any reason, if the relationship is profitable one can consider, to stop gamble and focus on other things to make money.  But some of us here gamble for Fun and to just try our luck, is not addiction
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I think he should give the girl the choice and let her decide what she really wants.
From all indication it's conspicuous about what her choice is which is my cousin should completely quit his gambling act and probably engage in other means of extra income other than gambling. And I suspect that her hate for gambling is what informed this development.
sr. member
Activity: 2366
Merit: 366
I'm sure there is a middle ground somewhere. If they really both love each other, there will always be a common ground, somewhere where they will meet. Both doesn't have to choose one or the other, relationship or gambling. They will probably reach a better agreement if they smoothly talk things through. Your cousin may promise his fiancée to reduce his gambling money to the minimum. Your cousin will have to entertain that idea. That's enough compromise. His fiancée in turn will accept that guarantee with a condition of something in case your cousin breaks his promise.
legendary
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I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.

From what's in bold, your story sounds made up to me.

Gambling makes you lose more money than you win, the only thing is that occasionally there are sessions when you come out a winner, but it cannot be considered financial support.

The fact is that the story, invented or not, describes a situation in which I personally have found myself and I have never reached the point you describe, because when the relationship took hold, what I did was calmly explain that I gamble from time to time, that I do so in a rational way, etc. I am not a problem gambler and I manage my finances well. So I don't let myself be put between a rock and a hard place about it. I have my boundaries, I explain it and I have never had a problem or a dilemma about it.
sr. member
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There's currently a heated issue between an older cousin of mine and his fiancee, it's a gambling related issue that's now looking like a threat to their relationship. Here's what happened;

reading the Story ? I cannot blame the girl as obviously ? She has no complete Idea what is the gambling activities of your cousin Meaning he at first is not Honest for telling the truth , though he is a responsible gambler I believe that His Girlfriend should know what are the activities of Him in regards to financial ways(because admit it or not? the chance of becoming addicted is always there in gambling) and the main issue here is their trust in each other , the girl seems like judging Him according to what she saw in His emails and not about how He act in their relationship accordingly.
maybe better for them to settle this once in for all , and talk closely and deeply , there are laoses on both but for sure this can be settled in good outcome.
legendary
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TBH, it's hard to choose between the two.

Some might say that leaving the girl and focus on gambling would be better, but on the other hand, what if your cousin will have the same fate as the girl's brother? We don't know how lucky your cousin is, and we also know that luck isn't forever. There will be a time where you will lose to your bets.

For me, I believe there that both your cousin and his fiancee can talk something about this. I believe that they can just continue their relationship while your cousin still doing gambling. Lessen the gambling funds, lessen the gambling time. I know that the trauma from seeing her brother getting addicted into gambling is there, but her brother isn't the same as your cousin. I will not choose between the 2 because I almost had the same experience as your cousin. I got into gambling secretly without my partner knowing it, but one day, she saw me gambling. Of course she got angry me, but I spoke to him calmly and said to her that I will lessen the funds that I'll be using for gambling. Now I can gamble still, but our relationship is still strong as ever.

Sometimes, proper conversations are the best way for these problems to be fixed.
legendary
Activity: 1904
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I'll take "responsible gambler" as a hobby. And if he has been pursuing this hobby for years without any negative impact on him or his family, why should I allow someone to take control of what gives me enjoyment?

It feels like I am being controlled to give up a harmless hobby that I genuinely enjoy just to please someone else, who may be projecting their past experiences with their own family onto my situation. Either she trusts your cousin to know his limits and ensures that they can still live comfortably even if something goes wrong, or she should walk away.
legendary
Activity: 2282
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I can understand her position, having a brother who was addicted to gambling who lost a bunch of his possessions because of it, she simply seems to care for him and doesn't want him to end up going down that same road.  On the other hand he's a responsible gambler (like myself, I would never let myself gamble more than I'm willing to lose, I'm just fortunate that way) so I can understand his viewpoint of being like "hey I'm a responsible gambler, it's not effected anything in our relationship to this point etc etc" but at the end of the day if he really loves her, it's probably not worth gambling if it would make her happy.  I'd give it up for the right girl, personally.
legendary
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I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.

Welll, i think the gambling can be a source of conflict in a romantic relationship, particularly if one partner is concerned about the other's gambling behavior, beacause while it may be possible to reconcile gambling in a relationship, always it requires open communication and an mutual understanding and a willingness to work together to address any issues that may arise. But, If one partner has concerns about the other's gambling behavior, than it's important to express those concerns in a non-judgmental way and too listen to the other person's perspective and It's too may be helpful to seek the assistance of a therapist or counselor who is trained in helping couples work through issues related to gambling.

It's worth noting that if one partner has a gambling addiction, it may be more difficult to reconcile gambling in the relationship without this professional help because Gambling addiction is a serious condition that can have significant impacts on an individual's finances, relationships, and overall well-being.
hero member
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~snip~
I'll really appreciate to have you share some advise on what decision to take if you were to find yourself in this my cousin shoe. For It's been a difficult moment for him this past two days as he has  been thinking of the financial support he at times get from the gambling wins and at same time his fiancee too.

It's really up to him.

If he wants to continue gambling, he must simply say that to her.

If she decides to go, then that's what will happen. You can't force people to be with you.

The most important thing is for him to think about what he wants in life, anything that is non negotiable. If that includes gambling, then he just needs to say that to her, ideally in a calm way.

What she does then with that information is completely up to her.
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