Topic: Free Tradecoins (TDC) - Just Post Jokes - page 2. (Read 7284 times)

Patently Pertinacious

A duck walked into a general store, waddled up to the counter and asked, "Got any grapes?"

"No," said the clerk.

The following day the duck was back again. "Got any grapes?" he asked.

"No," said the clerk, becoming irritated.

The next day the duck came in again. "Got any grapes?"

"No!" yelled the clerk. "I've told you before, we don't have any grapes! I'm getting so fed up with all this that if you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm going to take a hammer and nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

The next day the duck came in again. "Got any nails?"

"No," replied the clerk.

"Good," said the duck. "Got any grapes?"

 

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sent

What is the difference between a catholic priest and acne ?
Acne waits until you hit puberty before it comes on your face

I dont have a wallet so someone can have mah coins

Mary Lou


He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he woke up, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called!!!"

 

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*bows* Thank you very much! Received!

oh and the 25000 reward for best joke this week goes to kevlar for https://bitcointalksearch.org/topic/m.2615374

sent

Be Careful What You Believe

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes he says to the bartender, "Hey, if I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you give me another beer on the house?" "We'll see," said the bartender, "I've had alot of nuts come in here, and I've seen some pretty amazing things in my day."

So the man pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano from his briefcase, and puts them on the bar. Then the hamster begins to play Chopin.

"Not bad," said the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Okay, hold on," says the man as he pulls out a frog from his briefcase. Suddenly the frog starts singing "My Way."

A patron nearby jumps up from his table and says, "That's amazing! I'll give you $1,000 right now for that frog!"

"Sold!" says the man, who exchanges the frog for the cash.

The bartender then says to the man, "You know, it's none of my business, but I think you just gave away a real fortune in that frog."

"Not really," says the man, " the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

 

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all sent

Damn i missed

A priest and a lawyer go golfing. The lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" The priest says, "If you say that one more time God will strike you down."
On the third hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!" Suddenly a huge lightning bolt comes down from the sky and hits the priest. And then a big voice from above says, "DAMN IT, I MISSED!"

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Where's The Money ?

A rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat, and then returns it to the rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the rabbi. "Thank you very much." The rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the rabbi! This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack, and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.

In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse also comes in first.

Finally, at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the rabbi's hat and was blessed by him, and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.

"So where's the money?" she asks.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool! Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said. "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."

 

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sent

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Send TDCs to: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

Today's Joke:

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in Heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."

Joe asked, "How long is a minute in Heaven?"

God said, "1 million years."

Joe asked for a penny.

God said, "Sure, in a minute."

Here is my Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

sent

Billy Goat

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I can't stop thinking I'm a goat!"

"I see. And how long have you had this problem?"

"Ever since I was a kid."

 

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Awww... Too soon....

Today's Joke:

A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit."

My Wallet: GJuxiqE5h85PS1B1xg8s158krVWToYwbma

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

Send TDCs to: GZugQscFvTjAVhyQaWfxi316MTdaQq8N5y

Football

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback! Get the quaraterback!" I'm like.....Helloooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!

 

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