As you know I've taken a leave from Bitcoin to focus on my life, and in doing so a lot of facts became clear to me about the last year of involvement in bitcoin. I wanted to share those with you and ask you for some advice as well.
The first thing I want to address is my work in the bitcoin community developing products, services and businesses with others. Being homeschooled and sheltered throughout my childhood, it had never occurred to me that I could truly just be one of the crowd, whether neutral or positive. I have always felt I was fighting against someone, somewhere to break free of something. This is what has given me such tremendous energy throughout my life and allowed me to always feel like I was racing someone to some goal. Throughout the year in bitcoin, I felt I was constantly in a race to create something no one else had created yet. It hadn't occurred to me to participate, ask questions, respect others for their knowledge, or even admit defeat on some topics. Looking back with a clear head, it is obvious I was interested in only three things: attention, get rich quick schemes, and entertaining myself. I may or may not have even suffered from aspergers (although I believe it was probably just social ignorance from working alone my whole life and never really being a part of anything until now).
I feel I have made some very trivial additions to the community, but most of them were "A for effort" types and I ended up with a negative sum. I'm certainly grateful for the experiences I have had though. I was completely unaware (and mostly still am) of any political, economical or philosophical ideas before coming here. I believe my biggest mistake was not taking time to learn the lessons that were right in front of me, and feeding the mentality that anyone who didn't automatically accept what I was doing must have been "wrong" and therefor not important. I've survived entirely on bitcoin for a whole year. I have been a part of some really interesting projects, and I've inspired a whole lot more. That said, I do not currently hold any stake in anything remotely interesting or useful to the bitcoin community as a whole, and that pains me when I look back at all the scattered efforts I mindlessly poured into project after ill-thought project. That is the first thing that has begun to change in my life. I am no longer looking for the hit-and-run get rich quick scheme, I am considering going to college and learning how to be better at the job that I enjoy doing, regardless of the pay involved, and am starting to realize the importance and international political implications of bitcoin.
That brings me to the next thing. My awareness of why bitcoin is so important and why it doesn't need any "clowns" like me. I cannot rightfully walk away from an event where I have caused damage and ignore it for the rest of my life. Nor can I rightfully explain it away or solve it easily. I won't lie, I've popped into reddit almost weekly to see what's been happening in bitcoin, and for once, when I wasn't doing the talking, it become clear why we actually need bitcoin in the first place. It gets a lot of flack for being a criminal currency, an "illegal" black market currency, and frankly I still wholeheartedly believe that SA goons have this community downpat as being one of the wackiest group of tinfoil spergers ever to exist, but that doesn't change the fact that bitcoin itself is amazing. And it hurts that I didn't realize that until after pulling a stunt that caused everyone to think I hate bitcoin and want to hurt it.
That brings me to the final point. I initially intended to teach the community a lesson about trust, I did not expect anyone to really take the bets and thus I did not expect to keep any profits. As the bets grew though, I was tempted with greed and I fell into a trap. I flipped back and forth between playing a prank (as it was intended) and actually trying to solve my financial situation (which was becoming dire). I did truly believe that Pirate was going to pay back and I fell for it. I also believe that I intended to pay anyone I lost when it was around 1000 BTC, but as I flip-flopped on my own reasoning and was enjoying the entertainment/trolling so much, I lost control and couldn't stop myself. The attention was just too entertaining and now I will go down in history as the retard who went full retard on the forums-- but I will not go down in history as the guy who ran away from his responsibilities. During the betting process, I hadn't considered people would actually lose money (I seldom plan ahead) and it hadn't occurred to me until shortly after the bet was over that I had actually cost people money/opportunity in large amounts. This depressed me a lot. I won't lie, I cried exactly once, but not at the lost money (I have never had much respect for money), but in reading the many people whom I never even knew knew I existed say so many things about how they actually liked me before I went insane. That killed.
I could easily disappear and continue working behind the scenes, but I don't think that's what I ever wanted, and it's not what anyone else deserves. I'd like to ask some advice on how to make things right. I'm not coming here to get sympathy, and I expect many people will want to start an argument with me, but I can't let it end like this. I obviously don't have millions of dollars in bitcoins to dish out, and I'm also not the inherently dishonest type to try and look for schemes to buy my own debt back at a reduced price. Basically, I just want to know what my options are. I'd like everyone who I have wronged to personally email me at
[email protected] and explain their story. I want to personally take care of my situation with that person and do my best to make things right, no matter how long it takes.
I know I said I was "leaving", and in a sense, I have. But 2013 is a year for work and self reflection, and I don't think ignoring people, running from problems and hiding behind trolling suits me anymore.
Please help me help myself, and let me start by making things right with those I have wronged.
M.
