Topic: Lending money or damaging family bond ? - page 10. (Read 1557 times)
When it comes to family members i don't lend out money to them i simply give out what i can afford to spare at that time i also do same to close friends and mark it as a support to such member. Lending money to family members has scattered long existing bonds and relationship. It is better to help if one can than to lend out on the grounds of getting the help back. Even if i agree to lend out i make sure it is an amount i can afford to lose should in case it doesn't return back.
3000$ is a huge amount of money from where I come, if you would give that to someone it should go into something that can yield returns and not to offset a debt. Couple with the fact that he's not so trustworthy, you actually did the right thing for yourself.
You might be the one hating him if you lend him the money and you find out he spent it lavishly on frivolities.
You might be the one hating him if you lend him the money and you find out he spent it lavishly on frivolities.
I cant imagine that those people that you give or lend your money goes on vacation and post on social media is for sure hurting you and the possibility that they will pay you is low. Though again it's your relative that is most of what people say if you really have extra money then lend them because for sure there are times that you will need them so treat it as a gift for them though make sure that they are not exploiting you.
This happened to me a lot of times. Relatives used to borrow money from me and out of mercy I lend them my hard-earned money but they didn't pay me and they are even ignoring my texts and chats. From my experiences, I learned to say no and cut ties with abusive relatives. You did the right thing because that's a huge amount of money especially if that relative of yours isn't trustworthy. When it comes to money, we can see the true colors of the people around us. You shouldn't be the one to feel awkward because you just saved yourself from stress.
3000$ is a huge amount of money from where I come, if you would give that to someone it should go into something that can yield returns and not to offset a debt. Couple with the fact that he's not so trustworthy, you actually did the right thing for yourself.
You might be the one hating him if you lend him the money and you find out he spent it lavishly on frivolities.
You might be the one hating him if you lend him the money and you find out he spent it lavishly on frivolities.
Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.
I don't think there'd be a bond if the so called "family" member only reaches out when he or she needs something. Those folks be like fair weather friends and from your story, it's not as if you ever disclosed to him that you was some big hotshot who could afford such an amount. It was just between you and your pocket. And knowing the person was untrustworthy was another turn off.
Also, I don't think an unappreciative individual would acknowledge it even if you broke a limb for them, so if I were you, I'd feel a lot pained if I were to have lost such an amount on something else than borrowing to someone who isn't straightforward.
Also, I don't think an unappreciative individual would acknowledge it even if you broke a limb for them, so if I were you, I'd feel a lot pained if I were to have lost such an amount on something else than borrowing to someone who isn't straightforward.
In comes to lending money, specifically, to family members, I always have that hesitation at first but end up lending them anyways. But in terms of payment, if they do pay on time and wont give me hard time getting the money back, I would never hesitate to lend them again. If they do not have that initiative to pay it, I will never let them be able to lend from me again. So, in your case, since he was untrustworthy, I would have done the same thing. And, you did the right thing. I think the best way to handle the situation of letting down the person's request to lend money is trying to explain and help them in other ways, since they are still a family. But, I must admit that your cousin is kind of toxic in a way that he let money issues affects the relationship you had as a family.
I just borrowed "money" to a friend to send his daughter for drug rehabilitation and I know the chance of her recovery are very low, but I did it any way. He will most probably not be able to pay me back, but I have more value in his friendship than what money can buy.
Sometimes... you have to focus on what are the most important in your life, not in what money can do for you. I know, if I ever run into trouble... those people will be the only ones that might support me, but if they do not do that.. it will still be OK.
Not everyone is as good as your mind imagines, and the example you gave is not a literal borrowing. You literally gave him a subsidy voluntarily, since you know that this will not help his sick sister, and he will not be able to pay it back. Nor do I expect that you can really find someone to help you in the same way for free.Sometimes... you have to focus on what are the most important in your life, not in what money can do for you. I know, if I ever run into trouble... those people will be the only ones that might support me, but if they do not do that.. it will still be OK.
You seem very optimistic and confident in your relationships even if they are not giving you benefits. As far as I know, there is no longer a place for good people in our world today, and people like you are supposed to be constantly traumatized.
~
You already had answered your question, OP. He's not trustworthy at all. Even here in the forum, nobody would lend you a single penny if you have a bad history of being not trusted or even defaulting on a loan at all.Don't feel too bad that just because you're "family" that you should be like a pushover or even a doormat to your relatives. Imagine a situation on chasing after your cousin through calls or phone message to pay you up, but received no reply and the only response you would possibly get is "just move on with it, we're family right?". Sometimes even one of your own would be the one to destroy your trust.
This seems like a common stuff to happen in Asian countries and believe me, it really happens. Some would even do the opposite of wanting you to repay their lent money.
People who only care about themselves without caring about people who have helped them are toxic in a family or friend relationship. Family relationships are at risk of cracking if the money lent is not paid. In the case of lending and borrowing, the riskiest is the lender if the person borrowing the money cannot be trusted.
To avoid this, it is necessary to have an initial agreement agreed upon by both parties written on paper, if necessary, make it in front of a third party as a witness if the amount is large.
To avoid this, it is necessary to have an initial agreement agreed upon by both parties written on paper, if necessary, make it in front of a third party as a witness if the amount is large.
If I were you, I would do the same, and there's nothing to be upset about when he doesn't want to talk to you. In case of lending money to an unreliable person, you also lose them someday along with the loan amount. I met once, I lent money to a friend, and he not only didn't pay, but also cut off contact with me. I guess maybe he couldn't afford to pay me back and was embarrassed to face me, and cutting off contact with me was the only thing he could do. Money is something that can maintain happiness and friendship... but also something that will make everything fall apart quickly, including husband and wife and brothers...
Been there and done that.I've met a lot of people that have taken a personal loan from me and they didn't even bother to chat or talk to me that they can no longer pay. All of them ignored their obligation of paying me back even without the interest. I'm easy to talk with and they're the one who have set the conditions of their payment terms and interest rates.
I nodded and agreed with everything they've said and then I've just come to realized that all of those were just sweet talks. It's normal to have lesser friends and relatives if they're not even thinking of paying you or by asking you telling that they are sorry for not paying you yet.
I would not loan him money if I had a cousin like @OP. But maybe I will help him find a job so he can return to work and earn some money. I was worried that if I loaned him the money, he would have a hard time paying it back, which is something I don't want. I'd rather help him find a job than lend him money. After all, I know him better than anyone else so I have another reason why I don't lend him the money. And if not wanting to lend him this money makes him shut me out, that's fine with me because I have nothing to lose.
He shouldn't have done that because the amount of money he wanted to borrow was enormous. And not everyone has that large amount of money. But if my cousin was someone I could trust, I might lend him a little money to survive while he looks for another job.
He shouldn't have done that because the amount of money he wanted to borrow was enormous. And not everyone has that large amount of money. But if my cousin was someone I could trust, I might lend him a little money to survive while he looks for another job.
I hope your cousin understand and and be mature about your situation now. because it doesn't mean you hate him didn't lend the money, maybe you just want your cousin understand if the family relationship is very important than money. So that case you won't lend him.
If the family relationship is more important than money then why not just give him the loan and whether he returns it on not they still have a good family relationship?
Its not advisable to give someone you don't trust a loan, family or not but when when a family or friend is in need you make a conscious effort to help out. Helping out can be in different ways, it doesn't necessarily mean giving them the loan they asked for. It could be helping them look for a job, giving them free money for their upkeep (it doesn't have to be too much), getting them groceries if you can afford it. At least just show them that you care by just being there for them in their hard times. We always talk about being better people but when the time comes we do the opposite. Yea, I know you've got to look out for yourself, but there's a thin line between looking out for yourself and being completely inconsiderate.
If I were you, I would do the same, and there's nothing to be upset about when he doesn't want to talk to you. In case of lending money to an unreliable person, you also lose them someday along with the loan amount. I met once, I lent money to a friend, and he not only didn't pay, but also cut off contact with me. I guess maybe he couldn't afford to pay me back and was embarrassed to face me, and cutting off contact with me was the only thing he could do. Money is something that can maintain happiness and friendship... but also something that will make everything fall apart quickly, including husband and wife and brothers...
Any time we lend money to someone, whether it be a friend, family member or even our own parents, this is a decision that will have an effect on the relationship. The reason for lending money to someone is to help them with their financial problems and in return you always expect more than just money
When it comes to this, my real thought is that I will only help them as long as their need for help is genuine. I will help them as much as I can, knowing how difficult it is to be in that kind of situation. I don't go after relationships, but I always think that I will need their help in the future, so I won't expect them to pay it back.
You did well by not lending money to him, since he is untrustworthy. And in no way you can be blamed for damaging a family bond, rather it's your cousin who damaged it by adopting a hostile stance towards you just because you didn't do what he wanted.
Instead of getting upset, he should be concerned regards improving his reputation on your local relationships' circle, so he could have support from family members like you, who are willing to help, but that don't want to be deceived at same time.
Instead of getting upset, he should be concerned regards improving his reputation on your local relationships' circle, so he could have support from family members like you, who are willing to help, but that don't want to be deceived at same time.
What you are doing is actually right, you don't need to feel guilty, it's just your own excessive feeling. Maybe if at that time you gave a loan and he couldn't pay it in a timely manner, that would be a new problem again, maybe when we met, he would feel even more awkward than now.
Maybe not feeling guilty, but more feeling bad because it has to do with family. Even though by not giving him a loan in the form of money by saying it's okay, it won't cause family ties to be broken because we will still be good with our own family even though there is resentment because we don't help him. And what you say is actually also very correct.Quote
Because I also have experience with this. Very traumatized by this debt problem. I have a close friend, at that time the economy was not stable, his wife was pregnant, then she wanted to give birth. He begs for help, the reason is to buy baby milk, who can bear to see it, while I can help. That was several times until the debt was around $1500. So when I was having a hard time, there was no money, I needed money. When I bill it, it's hard to ask for forgiveness, until it's like someone begging. Even though I had given him more than 8 months to prepare the funds, it didn't even need to be paid off.
It's really sad, the promise at the beginning will be paid on time, when I bill it turns out there isn't any. I finally had to ask someone else for a loan.
It was a very sad and painful experience because he has no gratitude and also a sense of helping each other when you need help and ask for your own money. That is why there is no need to entrust more people in terms of money including your own friends, as well as your own family because often family ties get messed up because of money loan problems that are not paid on time. It's really sad, the promise at the beginning will be paid on time, when I bill it turns out there isn't any. I finally had to ask someone else for a loan.
I just borrowed "money" to a friend to send his daughter for drug rehabilitation and I know the chance of her recovery are very low, but I did it any way. He will most probably not be able to pay me back, but I have more value in his friendship than what money can buy.
Sometimes... you have to focus on what are the most important in your life, not in what money can do for you. I know, if I ever run into trouble... those people will be the only ones that might support me, but if they do not do that.. it will still be OK.
Sometimes... you have to focus on what are the most important in your life, not in what money can do for you. I know, if I ever run into trouble... those people will be the only ones that might support me, but if they do not do that.. it will still be OK.
What people don't understand is that people value money more over love, and money will finish but what bind us together is love and companionship. You have done a good deed and having a pity for the daughter to lend the money is one of the thing he can never repay even if he want to pay back, all that matter in this life should be all about love and there will restore of peace.
Your story made me to remember when I borrow my hostel mate some money to buy food stuff, he was in need and wanted me to borrow him after when others has rejected his requests, he made all kind of promise to ginger me but I did because I know he doesn't have a way to back and guess what, he never pay me back and I have forgoten it, your story brings back the memory.
Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.
Helping your own family, when you yourself are well established, I'm sure that is a noble goal. but the problem is, whether the type of assistance provided is appropriate.
Well, this is a dilemma when referring to the story of what you are telling. I'm sure, there are various perspectives from the point of view of the members here. well, the question is in yourself. before the relationship between you and your cousin broke down, which was caused by the condition of not giving a loan. you can review again, maybe urgent circumstances make your cousin try to borrow money from you. because, you really understand the behavior of your cousin.
At least, investigate it first. Is what he said true, if so, then how is he responsible for the money he borrows later. yes, at least, you can also give him a little space for him to defend himself. plus, how is the responsibility. but yes, because this has already happened. there are no other words, other than you try to say hello to try to improve so that the bond between the family is restored.
This story may be considered to be off topic but this commonly happens on every occasion in every household or even those circle of friends. I was once in a situation that one of my friends tried to loan money from me, and at that time though I have money, it was intended for paying the bills and some other expenses so I turned him down. It came the time that we were at the event and when I greeted him he felt awkward and just imediately change the topic so he could go away. It turns out that he was sulking and still holding a grudge om me for turning him down, and that's it. I didn't bother explaining about why I did that coz it feels like I'm the one at fault on that situation and it's no longer my problem if he will act that way.
There're really times that people don't want to understand your situation but when it comes to yourself you always try to understand them. I already reached that point where if they don't want to, then I won't coz it only feels like I'm wasting my energy when I could use it in a more productive way.
There're really times that people don't want to understand your situation but when it comes to yourself you always try to understand them. I already reached that point where if they don't want to, then I won't coz it only feels like I'm wasting my energy when I could use it in a more productive way.
Quote
Jump to: