Lending money or damaging family bond ? - page 11.

Krislaw

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Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 14, 2023, 02:10:22 AM

Quote from: Fortify on March 13, 2023, 11:18:13 AM

Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

Sometimes the hardest thing it takes to learn in life is the ability to say no. There are some extreme examples and emergencies, where if you have a strong relationship, that goes equally both ways - then it can make sense to give someone money to help them out, if you have it to spare. However the keyword there is give. Lending money to friends and family is only going to lead to lots of problems in the longer run. If they need money then give it to them on the basis that you expect to lose it all and only what you can reasonably afford, that way when they do pay it back it works out best for everyone. Nobody that asks, essentially begs, for money and is angry when you refuse is worth being around anyway - your cousin did you a favor by showing how little they value you.

You know why I did not lend him the money ? We had not seen each other for years and even when we were young, he was taking every opportunity to take advantage of me. I still remember him negelecting me and my calls for so reason and how come when he needed money, he would just call me to ask for money ? To be honest, I did have the money but I refused to lend him. I bet if I were to give him the money, he would disappear for years and I would never get my money back. Well, you are absolutely right that his holding grudge shows how little he values me. Saying no to him was the right thing I have done.

This right here!
You had genuine intentions for him when you were guys were young but he had the opposite. I wonder why he lost his job in the first place. And there is also a lot more than the story he might have cooked up for you.
It very risky to associate money with such person.

michellee

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We can borrow money from our relatives, but we can also not borrow money from them, especially if he is not someone we can trust or we really know their character. It's not that we don't want to help him but he probably won't return the money we borrow when we already have plans to use the money.

There is indeed a brother who will come to us when he needs us; when he doesn't need us, he will ignore us, which is not a good brother. I had that too and lent him the money because I know his character well and he can be trusted.

Qiubell5

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Loaning money is very good, to people in their time of trouble or trouble. But what you have to think about is, you must feel sorry for him, but you also don't want him to not pay, because not paying debts is a bad habit. You must be in a dilemma, and not lend it in the end. I thought that was good, maybe now he has borrowed from someone else. And regarding the family, there will always be complaints and problems. So, I just pray for you, I hope your family is always healthy, also always in harmony and away from fights.

Marcellin9

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Quote from: Fortify on March 13, 2023, 11:18:13 AM

Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

Sometimes the hardest thing it takes to learn in life is the ability to say no. There are some extreme examples and emergencies, where if you have a strong relationship, that goes equally both ways - then it can make sense to give someone money to help them out, if you have it to spare. However the keyword there is give. Lending money to friends and family is only going to lead to lots of problems in the longer run. If they need money then give it to them on the basis that you expect to lose it all and only what you can reasonably afford, that way when they do pay it back it works out best for everyone. Nobody that asks, essentially begs, for money and is angry when you refuse is worth being around anyway - your cousin did you a favor by showing how little they value you.

Thank you for putting youself in my shoes. You know why I did not lend him the money ? We had not seen each other for years and even when we were young, he was taking every opportunity to take advantage of me. I still remember him negelecting me and my calls for so reason and how come when he needed money, he would just call me to ask for money ? To be honest, I did have the money but I refused to lend him. I bet if I were to give him the money, he would disappear for years and I would never get my money back. Well, you are absolutely right that his holding grudge shows how little he values me. Saying no to him was the right thing I have done.

Kakmakr

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I just borrowed "money" to a friend to send his daughter for drug rehabilitation and I know the chance of her recovery are very low, but I did it any way. He will most probably not be able to pay me back, but I have more value in his friendship than what money can buy.

Sometimes... you have to focus on what are the most important in your life, not in what money can do for you. I know, if I ever run into trouble... those people will be the only ones that might support me, but if they do not do that.. it will still be OK. Wink

doomloop

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Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

That happens, and to be honest, I would have done the same if I was you. I mean, if it was someone like a brother or someone too close, you might give it to them also knowing that they would return it eventually, but to someone who is from the extended family and also not really reliable when it comes to returning the borrowed money, it's just better to make an excuse and avoid it.

The thing that happened with you at the event would have happened even if you had given him the money, but the only difference would have been that you would be the one looking at him differently, like with the eyes of, "Where's my money, man?" and he would be the one to be in an awkward situation, but I really doubt it, people like that don't really feel awkward, but they just dodge you and get away from the situation to avoid encounters.

kryptocanon

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Good for you to have known him so well. However, I would say, since he's family to you, why nit you're him the little you know it won't hurt you, something you know so well that it won't affect you in any way possible. I mean like a dash out.

STT

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Offer to buy not lend, you will still lose friends and family if lending money they cannot manage properly and are unlikely to return. One thing people do is get someone a job to enable them to pay their debts and so it is within their hands to do the work to repay rather then rely on anyone, its a good general principle to leave the effort with the person who spent the money or it will not really solve the problem. The same should apply to bailouts that governments does, it can easily go wrong to make things easy as it promotes reoccurrence also.

Cryptomultiplier

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What is the essence of having much money if others mostly family can't benefit from it?
As long as family is involved and the person in question really looks like he could really use the cash, even if he couldn't payback, I don't see why a hand couldn't be extended, even if not with the full amount, but with half of the price at least.
It could have been you on the knife edge and needed his help. Who am I to judge after all. You remain the better judge, OP, and no one can fault you for that.

Questat

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Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

OP, just so you know, what you did was the most reasonable choice and it is indeed the right thing to do in that specific situation as there is no win-win about it. Everyone who had the same encounter or will have the same situation as you do will pretty much do the same thing because even if we say that it's your cousin, be it 2nd degree or 3rd degree, it doesn't change the fact that he is not worthy of any of your trust, especially your money.

Now that he took the things into a different matter, it's much better for you to leave him be because you are doing yourself a favor by keeping some safe distance.

serjent05

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Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

In a businessman's view, you did well, but as a relative, you should have lent him some money, not that $3000, but to make face since he is your relative, you can at least lend him 10%-20% of what he is borrowing. It won't make you broke if he failed to pay you and at the same time, it will at least make your cousin feel that you care.

At least that I will do if anyone of my relatives borrows money and I am unsure if he will pay me or not. I know the feeling of being in need, and the feeling of getting rejected even though the person has the capability to produce the money I am borrowing.

Anyway, the world is round and who's on top now might find themselves at the bottom one day. It is best to plant good seeds with people just in case in time we are in trouble, there is a possibility that these people with whom we do some kindness will help us.

Quote from: South Park on March 13, 2023, 03:44:24 PM

Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

If a little bit of money is enough for your family member to act in this way, now you know everything you need to know about him, your relationship was based simply on what he could obtain out of you and now that he knows you are not going to give him that kind of money then he is not interested on maintaining a relationship with you, so you did the right thing as eventually that relationship would end anyway and most likely you would have lost that money too.

You don't understand the feeling of being abandoned. It is not about the money but the feeling of his cousin being abandoned in his time of need. But surely, we cannot blame @OP for his action since he weighs his money more than his cousin being a relative. Grin

But well, to each their own...

Uruhara

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Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

At least your reason for not lending to people who cannot be trusted is good. and I guess you are also in a confusing position then. but I personally sometimes can't be firm with things like this. and several times I have lent some money to my distant relatives. And I even lent it without expecting the money to be returned any time soon. because even I see the current economic condition is indeed not possible to repay the loan. but I do this because I do have sufficient reserve funds and cold funds that I will not use in the near future. so I decided to put more importance on family relationships by helping him by lending some money.

but maybe if I didn't have reserve funds and cold funds at that time then I might also refuse to lend him some money. but because I feel I can still help him then I do it.

and the reason I helped him was because I really trusted him for the long term. but if he is not a trustworthy person then maybe i will do the same with you.

Krislaw

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Nothing to feel bad about here. I understand it's family but one must think first about risks when it comes to lending no matter the story they cook up. And good thing you know your cousin well and was able to take a good decision and not the other way, which could have led to lose of that money.
Communicate with him and do like nothing happened.

South Park

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Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

If a little bit of money is enough for your family member to act in this way, now you know everything you need to know about him, your relationship was based simply on what he could obtain out of you and now that he knows you are not going to give him that kind of money then he is not interested on maintaining a relationship with you, so you did the right thing as eventually that relationship would end anyway and most likely you would have lost that money too.

salad daging

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If you have a lot of money, it's better to enjoy it yourself than lend it to your family or something else, obviously with any money it can damage your close relationship to crack and I myself experienced this, so I decided not to lend money to anyone.

My sibling borrowed money from me for business reasons and I agreed because I knew what business he was doing and he was still working in an office so when I lent money, he was quite calm, he still had income and the rest could be paid to pay off debts to me, but what happened he had reneged on the initial agreement and he always had many excuses when I asked about the loan, then I thought I was like a beggar who kept asking him for money on that which I myself had lent and my right to collect it.

Never mind that I don't want to deal with other people just because of money, I'm quite sorry and emotional when I charge but there's no result.

Yawa2020

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Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

Advice to all! Don't lend anyone money unless you are above what you are about to lend them and can possibly dash them in case they refuse to pay back. The worst of it is that in my country after you lend someone money you will have to explain what you need the money for before they pay some part of. You can give willingly if you are generous but do not lend. Allow them to pass through whatever they are passing through.

Dr.Osh

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In this case, you are not wrong in any way. to lend something to someone else, or even your family, you need to know the person, or the person needs to have collateral. in your case, you know the person, and the person has an untrustworthy streak. if you lend money that you have, you have to take the risk that the money will never be returned, and in the end, you will get two conditions where your condition will be awkward because he doesn't repay his loan to you, and your money won't come back.
The advice I have is, if he is really important to you, then get him a job that can pay off his loans little by little. You also need to convince him that the money you have is still being used for something important. after all, he can't force you to lend him your money either.

darewaller

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Quote from: mamesso on March 13, 2023, 10:04:41 AM

Only you can save your money, it takes firmness to take a stand when faced with a situation like this. In most cases that occur in society, money that has been lent to other people is very difficult to collect.
My father once told me to be careful when lending to other people. When they ask us for a loan, they always put on an innocent face like a hungry cat which makes us feel sorry to see it, but when we collect the loan, the borrower immediately puts on a scary face like a tiger going berserk. Better to lose a friend or relative for a while than to lose money and a friend or relative forever because they couldn't keep the trust placed in them.

There are different way's to save money but if we don't trust the others, we can just save on our own. There are hard times which are inevitable and sometimes call us to use our saving money but we must not be guilty of doing so because for what we are saving? When the purpose of savings is to have something in use when an emergency happens.

When lending someone else, I would only agree if I know that the person has no bad records when it comes to this matter and then they also have a good reason on why they want to take a loan. Asking for a collateral can work like a charm for them to not ran away with the money that they borrowed.

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Quote from: Marcellin9 on March 12, 2023, 11:05:11 PM

Managing finances properly is key to our financial life, which is well known to each of us, I guess. I feel like this is in my bones so sometimes I make some decisions subconsciously. I recently ran into a situation where I found myself really awkward. Last July or August(I can't remember that clearly), one of my extended family cousin asked me for three thousand dollars as he lost his job and could not pay off his loans. I refuse to lend him the money cause I knew him well that he was not a solid trustworthy guy. A few days ago we met on a family reunion occasion and he did not really talk to me and I suddenly realized that it was because I didn't lend him money last year. I think about it twice and if he had not been that untrustworthy, I would have definitely lent him the money. Anyway, I hope he is doing fine now and best wishes to him.

Three thousand dollars is not a small money except you can afford to lose it. When you are dealing with money you don't consider relationship. You should only do business especially loans to only trustworthy and reliable people. If you know your cousin will not repay the loan don't give him except he offers a collateral. if he likes let him be angry that's his business because it is clear that you didn't offend him. If he really needs the money, let him approach a bank or other financial institutions.

OP why did you conclude that he is not trustworthy? Have you or someone else given him loan and he defaulted? Is this an established or based on hearsays because it is also good to assist people when they have financial problems.

blockman

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That really is something that you shouldn't be thinking about anymore. That is happening to many families and when someone's favor isn't granted, they're acting dumb. You don't need that type of guy in your life even if he's a close relative to you.
You don't have to think of his problem as you don't have anything against him, if he gives you attention then reciprocate but that's it. Whenever both of you are in the same place, you just guard your place and you don't have to be showy to him just because you don't lend him any money because you owe him nothing and you owe him no money. The wrong thing about borrowers, there shouldn't be any heart feeling when a relative rejects you, they also have obligations to make and that what you must understand.

Topic: Lending money or damaging family bond ? - page 11. (Read 1559 times)