The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Topic: Tell us a joke.... (Read 35088 times)
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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
A Bar Walks Into a Man…
Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up oatmeal cookies before noon?”
Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up oatmeal cookies before noon?”
Island Throne
There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.
After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.
Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the roopes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.
The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."
There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.
After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.
Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the roopes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.
The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office my secretary said: Happy birthday boss! I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said: Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute? I said: OK. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling SURPRISE!!! while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. 
Reid Faylor on Halloween
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
Q: Why was the skeleton so lonely?
A: Because he don't got no body.
LOL...I kill me...
4 mothers were sitting in a café having a catch-up.
Blonde Mother: how are your daughters going?
Red-Head Mother: alas not good I discovered some rather horrific objects in my daughter's purse yesterday
Black Hair Mother: same here
Brunette Mother: me too!
Red-Head: awful it was! A giant floppy dildo just lying at the bottom. It made me feel like honoring SO DISGUSTING I never know my daughter was so vulgar!
-all mothers shuddered in agreement-
Black Hair Mother: mine is worse! I looked in and saw tablets. But not just any tablets, BIRTH CONTROL TABLETS! I ant believe my daughter is already having sex with boys
-all mothers gasp and shake their heads-
Brunette Mother: that's nothing! I found a positive pregnancy test in my daughters handbag! Which means she has already gotten pregnant and not even told me. I can't afford to have another child to look after and she isn't ready.
-all mothers give support and pat her on the back-
Blonde Mother: you guys don't even have problems! In my daughters purse I found a pack of condoms! I can't believe that she is a boy!!!
Blonde Mother: how are your daughters going?
Red-Head Mother: alas not good I discovered some rather horrific objects in my daughter's purse yesterday
Black Hair Mother: same here
Brunette Mother: me too!
Red-Head: awful it was! A giant floppy dildo just lying at the bottom. It made me feel like honoring SO DISGUSTING I never know my daughter was so vulgar!
-all mothers shuddered in agreement-
Black Hair Mother: mine is worse! I looked in and saw tablets. But not just any tablets, BIRTH CONTROL TABLETS! I ant believe my daughter is already having sex with boys
-all mothers gasp and shake their heads-
Brunette Mother: that's nothing! I found a positive pregnancy test in my daughters handbag! Which means she has already gotten pregnant and not even told me. I can't afford to have another child to look after and she isn't ready.
-all mothers give support and pat her on the back-
Blonde Mother: you guys don't even have problems! In my daughters purse I found a pack of condoms! I can't believe that she is a boy!!!
A nude girl walks in a bar .
Girl : Give me a bottle of wine .
Waiter[GAZES AT HER]
Girl : Have you never seen a nude girl ?
Waiter : Its not that . I am just wondering from where will you find your money out !
Girl : Give me a bottle of wine .
Waiter[GAZES AT HER]
Girl : Have you never seen a nude girl ?
Waiter : Its not that . I am just wondering from where will you find your money out !
haha The answer is very simple, if she don't have money then she will have to make compromise with the bartender...
A nude girl walks in a bar .
Girl : Give me a bottle of wine .
Waiter[GAZES AT HER]
Girl : Have you never seen a nude girl ?
Waiter : Its not that . I am just wondering from where will you find your money out !
Girl : Give me a bottle of wine .
Waiter[GAZES AT HER]
Girl : Have you never seen a nude girl ?
Waiter : Its not that . I am just wondering from where will you find your money out !
A new sandwich bar claims that it can make any type of sandwich immediately and are so confident that they promise to pay a thousand dollars to anyone who can think of a sandwich which they don't have.so the first customer walks up and asks for apple flavoured noodles in a sandwich, 30 seconds later the sandwich is served to him just like he asked. The second customer walks up and asks for a potato and seaweed sandwich. Again the sandwich bar owner comes straight back out from the kitchen with a smug look on his face and a potato and seaweed sandwich in his hands. Finally a very cocky looking customer walks up and asks for an elephant penis and camel hoof sandwich,topped with panda sperm and the shavings of an albatrosses claws,the owner is in the kitchen for a long time before he walks back out with no sandwich but just a thousand dollars in his hand.the customer starts celebrating and says he knew they wouldn't have them ingredients to which the owner replies "oh we have the penis the hoof the panda sperm and the claws,we just have no bread."
Good Dog
A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Hamster on the Run
My niece bought her five-year-old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he escaped from his cage again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room.
When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We’ve got a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took the cage.”
Health Insurance
My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home. Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. The vet told me Bo would remain overnight. “Overnight?” I said. “My father-in-law came home the same day.” The vet looked at me and said, “Bo’s not on Medicare.”
A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Hamster on the Run
My niece bought her five-year-old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he escaped from his cage again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room.
When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We’ve got a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took the cage.”
Health Insurance
My father-in-law had prostate surgery. We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight. We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home. Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery. When I brought him in, I asked the veterinarian what time I should pick him up. The vet told me Bo would remain overnight. “Overnight?” I said. “My father-in-law came home the same day.” The vet looked at me and said, “Bo’s not on Medicare.”
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
You know your old when:
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask "Did I wake you?"
You begin every other sentence with "Nowadays..."
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 94 around the golf course.
When you're told to act your own age and you die.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask "Did I wake you?"
You begin every other sentence with "Nowadays..."
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 94 around the golf course.
When you're told to act your own age and you die.
A hunter creeps through the forest. He eventually spots a black bear in a clearing. Carefully he takes aim and shoots the bear. He is congratulating himself when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
Turning around, he sees a massive brown bear behind him. "That was a terrible thing you did," says the brown bear, "and now you must pay the price. I will either rip you apart or rape you in the butt. Your choice." The hunter thinks for a moment, then drops his pants and bends over.
An hour later, the hunter staggers from the forest and limps to the hospital. The next day he hobbles home, thinking only of revenge on the bear. Soon he is back in the forest, stalking the bear. He eventually sees it by a river, and quickly he shoots it dead.
"Yes!" yells the hunter as he feels the thrill of revenge. But then, without warning, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Turning around slowly, he sees a gargantuan grizzly bear behind him.
"You have done a terrible thing," intones the bear in a deep voice, "now you have a choice: either I maul you to death, or I rape you in the butt." Shuddering, the hunter drops his pants and bends over.
Three hours later, the hunter crawls from the forest. He is released from the hospital after a week of anal surgeries to fix his colon. He thought of nothing but revenge on the grizzly bear during the ordeal. Now, he is back in the woods, looking for the grizzly.
He spots it catching salmon, and shoots it down from the forest. "Haha!" yells the hunter, jumping up and down. But then he feels a tap on his shoulder.
Quickly the hunter spins around, unable to believe what is happening. "No!" he screams in disbelief, for there is a gigantic polar bear right behind him. "Hey buddy," says the polar bear, "I'm starting to think you don't come here for the hunting."
Turning around, he sees a massive brown bear behind him. "That was a terrible thing you did," says the brown bear, "and now you must pay the price. I will either rip you apart or rape you in the butt. Your choice." The hunter thinks for a moment, then drops his pants and bends over.
An hour later, the hunter staggers from the forest and limps to the hospital. The next day he hobbles home, thinking only of revenge on the bear. Soon he is back in the forest, stalking the bear. He eventually sees it by a river, and quickly he shoots it dead.
"Yes!" yells the hunter as he feels the thrill of revenge. But then, without warning, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Turning around slowly, he sees a gargantuan grizzly bear behind him.
"You have done a terrible thing," intones the bear in a deep voice, "now you have a choice: either I maul you to death, or I rape you in the butt." Shuddering, the hunter drops his pants and bends over.
Three hours later, the hunter crawls from the forest. He is released from the hospital after a week of anal surgeries to fix his colon. He thought of nothing but revenge on the grizzly bear during the ordeal. Now, he is back in the woods, looking for the grizzly.
He spots it catching salmon, and shoots it down from the forest. "Haha!" yells the hunter, jumping up and down. But then he feels a tap on his shoulder.
Quickly the hunter spins around, unable to believe what is happening. "No!" he screams in disbelief, for there is a gigantic polar bear right behind him. "Hey buddy," says the polar bear, "I'm starting to think you don't come here for the hunting."
Fish Emergency
My friend’s husband, Ray, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Ray maintains an aquarium of exotic fish, and a prized specimen had threatened to turn belly up. The off-duty officer called a pet store, and they advised him to immediately purchase a special additive that would correct the water’s pH.
Ray and his wife jumped into the car and rushed to the store. A state trooper signaled them to pull over. “Go ahead,” Ray’s wife said. “Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!”
Food Caller
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work.” I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Foul Mouth Bird
Dave’s parrot was always using bad language, so he asked the vet how he could stop it. "Every time the bird swears, put it in the freezer for 15 seconds," advised the vet.
The next time the parrot uttered an expletive, Dave did as the vet said. Then, feeling guilty, Dave opened the freezer.
Shivering, the parrot came out saying, "I’m sorry for all the bad language I’ve been using." Dave was astounded at the sudden change. Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
My friend’s husband, Ray, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Ray maintains an aquarium of exotic fish, and a prized specimen had threatened to turn belly up. The off-duty officer called a pet store, and they advised him to immediately purchase a special additive that would correct the water’s pH.
Ray and his wife jumped into the car and rushed to the store. A state trooper signaled them to pull over. “Go ahead,” Ray’s wife said. “Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!”
Food Caller
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work.” I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Foul Mouth Bird
Dave’s parrot was always using bad language, so he asked the vet how he could stop it. "Every time the bird swears, put it in the freezer for 15 seconds," advised the vet.
The next time the parrot uttered an expletive, Dave did as the vet said. Then, feeling guilty, Dave opened the freezer.
Shivering, the parrot came out saying, "I’m sorry for all the bad language I’ve been using." Dave was astounded at the sudden change. Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Andy the Aligator recently passed his detective exams.
People now call him the investigator.
People now call him the investigator.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
Reposted from Reddit.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
Reposted from Reddit.
Wanna hear a dirty joke. A white horse fell in the mud. I'll be here all week.
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