Problems
A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, "Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!" The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.
Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: "Yeah, the service stinks!"
Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
Dog
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
"Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That’s him," comes the reply.
"He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Companion
Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there’s no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"
"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I’m putting on my shoes!"
Topic: Tell us a joke.... - page 4. (Read 35088 times)
Ok so, a Dyslexic man walks into a bra......
A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"
Your mum's a joke.
What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor.
"Can you make me one with everything?'
"Can you make me one with everything?'
Woman to greengrocer: "One cucumber, please". greengrocer: "Why not buy two, so you can eat one of them".
Lunch Break
When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father. "How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked. Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the…
Problems With Babel Fish
A bilingual road sign in Wales caught bikers off guard. The English part read Cyclists Dismount. The Welsh: Llid Y Bledren Dymchwelyd, or "Bladder disease has returned." One theory for the mistake—instead of typing cyclist …
Security System
When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”
Rockstar Life
The band Kings of Leon cut short a concert after pigeons bombarded them with poop. Bass player Jared Followill couldn’t say how many birds there were. “The last thing I was going to do was look up,” he told CNN.
Dog Halloween Costume to Avoid
I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.
When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father. "How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked. Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the…
Problems With Babel Fish
A bilingual road sign in Wales caught bikers off guard. The English part read Cyclists Dismount. The Welsh: Llid Y Bledren Dymchwelyd, or "Bladder disease has returned." One theory for the mistake—instead of typing cyclist …
Security System
When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”
Rockstar Life
The band Kings of Leon cut short a concert after pigeons bombarded them with poop. Bass player Jared Followill couldn’t say how many birds there were. “The last thing I was going to do was look up,” he told CNN.
Dog Halloween Costume to Avoid
I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.
Okay, I got two jokes that are really funny. Enjoy!
An American, a Dago and a Polack were bored shitless one day, so the Polack came up with a little contest for the three of them to have a little excitement. He picked up three bricks and handed two to the other guys. The Polack proceeded to explain the complex rules with, "Let's see who could throw their brick up the highest. The brick that stays aloft the largest, its thrower is the winner."
With that, the America proclaimed that he's an America and could surely toss his brick up the highest. After the windup and st, he pitched his brick into the heavens ... stop me if you're red this before ... and after three full seconds the brick landed at his feet because what goes up must come down.
Next, the Dago proclaimed that he's Italian and that he could beat the America with ease. After the windup and set, he blah, blah, blah ... landed at his feet after four seconds, now ahead in the contest. Oh, I forgot to say what goes up must come down, an important clause which will become evident at the end of this first joke.
The Polack now took his red brick and proclaimed I am a Polack, "Viva la France!" (red herring because Polacks are from Poland, not Spain), and I can beat both your times. With that, the Polack stretched out his arm holding the brick and gently tossed it into the air. All three looked to the sky and waited. And waited. And waited. Never to see the brick returning to Earth, thus the Polack won the contest and they all lived happily every after.
A seasoned flyer boards a plane and sets in his assigned aisle seat. Next to him is a white goose owned my a beautiful woman sitting next to it in the window seat overlooking the wing.
As soon as the man sat down, the plane proceeded to exit the boarding gate and taxi to the runway. The standard warnings flashed on the screen toward the front of the plane: No smoking and fasten your seat belts and some other bullshit.
Once at cruising level, the warning went off, whereupon everybody unfastened their seat belts. (pay no attention to joke being dually told in past and present tense, for that aspect is not important) The man drew an expensive Cuban cigar from his Josh Garza vest, stuck it in his mouth and lit it. He drew a drag ... Did I mention that this jokes takes place when smoking was allowed on planes? ... then blew out a giant puff of smoke as he contemplated how he was going to get rid of that white goose so that he can spend some time with the beautiful woman, a natural blonde one would think, but if you had the pleasure of seeing her nude you'll realize that she's naturally bald.
The puff of smoke reached the eyes of the goose, where upon it went, "." With that, the stewardess approaches the three and proceeds to tell the lady that the next time that goose goes, "" I'm throwing it out the window."
Okay, so we all know that in reality that's impossible, but please remember this is a joke, and as with all jokes, anything's possible, including a naturally bald blonde.
The lady not realizing that what the stewardess just threatened her with was an impossibility, she proceeded to tell the goose, "Please be quiet, goose, for I don't want to see you thrown out the window and get killed."
The man... Remember the man? The one smoking the expensive Cuban cigar? He's still trying to figure out how to get the goose out of the seat so that he could make some time with the beautiful woman seating next to the window. While thinking, he draws off his cigar and blows out another giant puff of smoke that again reaches the eyes of the white goose. The goose again goes, "."
The steward returns to the three more irate than her last visit and again chastises the lady with, "The next time that goose goes "" I'm 100% tossing it out of this plane through your window."
The lady again tells the goose to be quiet and how much she loves it, etc., etc., etc. Meanwhile, the man still trying to figure out how to get the white goose out of the middle seat so that he could sit near the beautiful woman takes a big ass drag off his cigar and blows out the smoke. Again, the smoke hits the goose eyes and immediately goes, "."
The stewardess returns to the three and grabs the goose by the neck. The woman starts screaming, "Please, please don't throw my goose out the window. But if you do, throw that man's cigar out the window as well, for it's all the cigar's fault for making my goose go ".""
The stewardess not in any mood to argue snatches the Cuban cigar outta the man's mouth with her other hand and opens up the window next to the woman with her third hand. She throws out the goose, throws our the cigar, then 150 passengers and crew (not the pilots) are sucked out of the plane through the window.
A few minutes later bodies begin to splatter on the ground and the goose flies safely onto Rex's Golden Pond. Guess what the goose has in its mouth.
This: https://bitcointalksearch.org/topic/m.12595349
An American, a Dago and a Polack were bored shitless one day, so the Polack came up with a little contest for the three of them to have a little excitement. He picked up three bricks and handed two to the other guys. The Polack proceeded to explain the complex rules with, "Let's see who could throw their brick up the highest. The brick that stays aloft the largest, its thrower is the winner."
With that, the America proclaimed that he's an America and could surely toss his brick up the highest. After the windup and st, he pitched his brick into the heavens ... stop me if you're red this before ... and after three full seconds the brick landed at his feet because what goes up must come down.
Next, the Dago proclaimed that he's Italian and that he could beat the America with ease. After the windup and set, he blah, blah, blah ... landed at his feet after four seconds, now ahead in the contest. Oh, I forgot to say what goes up must come down, an important clause which will become evident at the end of this first joke.
The Polack now took his red brick and proclaimed I am a Polack, "Viva la France!" (red herring because Polacks are from Poland, not Spain), and I can beat both your times. With that, the Polack stretched out his arm holding the brick and gently tossed it into the air. All three looked to the sky and waited. And waited. And waited. Never to see the brick returning to Earth, thus the Polack won the contest and they all lived happily every after.
A seasoned flyer boards a plane and sets in his assigned aisle seat. Next to him is a white goose owned my a beautiful woman sitting next to it in the window seat overlooking the wing.
As soon as the man sat down, the plane proceeded to exit the boarding gate and taxi to the runway. The standard warnings flashed on the screen toward the front of the plane: No smoking and fasten your seat belts and some other bullshit.
Once at cruising level, the warning went off, whereupon everybody unfastened their seat belts. (pay no attention to joke being dually told in past and present tense, for that aspect is not important) The man drew an expensive Cuban cigar from his Josh Garza vest, stuck it in his mouth and lit it. He drew a drag ... Did I mention that this jokes takes place when smoking was allowed on planes? ... then blew out a giant puff of smoke as he contemplated how he was going to get rid of that white goose so that he can spend some time with the beautiful woman, a natural blonde one would think, but if you had the pleasure of seeing her nude you'll realize that she's naturally bald.
The puff of smoke reached the eyes of the goose, where upon it went, "
Okay, so we all know that in reality that's impossible, but please remember this is a joke, and as with all jokes, anything's possible, including a naturally bald blonde.
The lady not realizing that what the stewardess just threatened her with was an impossibility, she proceeded to tell the goose, "Please be quiet, goose, for I don't want to see you thrown out the window and get killed."
The man... Remember the man? The one smoking the expensive Cuban cigar? He's still trying to figure out how to get the goose out of the seat so that he could make some time with the beautiful woman seating next to the window. While thinking, he draws off his cigar and blows out another giant puff of smoke that again reaches the eyes of the white goose. The goose again goes, "
The steward returns to the three more irate than her last visit and again chastises the lady with, "The next time that goose goes "
The lady again tells the goose to be quiet and how much she loves it, etc., etc., etc. Meanwhile, the man still trying to figure out how to get the white goose out of the middle seat so that he could sit near the beautiful woman takes a big ass drag off his cigar and blows out the smoke. Again, the smoke hits the goose eyes and immediately goes, "
The stewardess returns to the three and grabs the goose by the neck. The woman starts screaming, "Please, please don't throw my goose out the window. But if you do, throw that man's cigar out the window as well, for it's all the cigar's fault for making my goose go "
The stewardess not in any mood to argue snatches the Cuban cigar outta the man's mouth with her other hand and opens up the window next to the woman with her third hand
A few minutes later bodies begin to splatter on the ground and the goose flies safely onto Rex's Golden Pond. Guess what the goose has in its mouth.
This: https://bitcointalksearch.org/topic/m.12595349
What is the only type of band which can't play music?
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A rubber band.
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A rubber band.
That's it! You're under arrest. And this post of yours will be locked up as evidence till your trial, stored under contraband.
Looking back, Kel's orange soda fetish is kind of weird. Wonder what his FANTAsies were?
Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."
When A dad asked to his son what he was doing , son replied reading a book .
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Can you guess which book he was reading ?
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Its Facebook !
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Can you guess which book he was reading ?
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Its Facebook !
What is the only type of band which can't play music?
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A rubber band.
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A rubber band.
A death in the family
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
Engineering in hell
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Lesson learned
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
Engineering in hell
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Lesson learned
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"
A Bird Named Moses
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no …
So a Dog Walks Into…
So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A Pig Walks Into a Bar…
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
What Cats Want
Me and the wife [singer Katy Perry] have three cats, and they get whatever they want. We can only know what they want from what we speculate, so it’s a lot of vests, hats, and cat shoes.
Going to the Dogs
When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap…
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no …
So a Dog Walks Into…
So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A Pig Walks Into a Bar…
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
What Cats Want
Me and the wife [singer Katy Perry] have three cats, and they get whatever they want. We can only know what they want from what we speculate, so it’s a lot of vests, hats, and cat shoes.
Going to the Dogs
When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap…
There was an English man, and Irish man and a German man on a plane. There is too much cabin pressure, so the captain comes up to the English man and says: YOU, DROP AN ITEM. He chose a stone. There is still too much cabin pressure, so he parachutes out. When he lands, a man is crying. He asks the man what is wrong. The man says : WELL, I WAS OUT HERE POLISHING MY JAG, AND THIS STONE CAME FROM THE SKY AND DENTED THE BONNET.Back up on the plane, the Irish man drops an item. He drops a knife. He too has to parachute out. When he lands, a woman is crying. The woman tells him : I WAS OUT HERE GARDENING, AND THIS KNIFE FELL FROM THE SKY AND CUT MY PRIZE MELON IN HALF. Back up on the plane, the German drops an item. He drops a bomb. He too parachutes to the ground, but to the sound of utter laughter. He says : WHATS SO FUNNY?. man says : I WAS OUT HERE GARDENING, I FARTED AND NEXT DOORS HOUSE BLEW UP!
you are a joke
Missing Dog
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
A Panda Walks Into…
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing…
A Guy Walks Into…
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A Grasshopper Hops Into…
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
A Frenchman Walks Into…
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”
The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.
A Panda Walks Into…
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing…
A Guy Walks Into…
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A Grasshopper Hops Into…
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
A Frenchman Walks Into…
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”
The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”
i am satoshi, lolll
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