Doctor help me, I've got wind.
The doctor replied:
- Here's a kite.
The doctor replied:
- Here's a kite.
Nice joke. I liked it. But I do not have much humor sense to write a joke here.
Topic: Tell us a joke.... - page 3. (Read 35088 times)
Nice joke. I liked it. But I do not have much humor sense to write a joke here.
A group of prosperous businessmen were dining at the Sam’s Hotel in Las Vegas.
“Seems to me you are getting a little slimmer,” remarked one.
“I should be!” replied the other.
“I went on one of those high protein diets. Nothing but expensive steaks and chops. And would you believe it?
in just two weeks I lost thirty dollars!
hahaha...i hope its funny
“Seems to me you are getting a little slimmer,” remarked one.
“I should be!” replied the other.
“I went on one of those high protein diets. Nothing but expensive steaks and chops. And would you believe it?
in just two weeks I lost thirty dollars!
hahaha...i hope its funny
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
My friend once bet me that I could not build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
Was she shell-shocked scratchin' her noodle when you put the Linguine in overdrive?
Q: What can I do to make my Bitcoin miner faster?
A: Just throw it out the window, now its moving faster then ever.
A: Just throw it out the window, now its moving faster then ever.
My friend once bet me that I could not build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is. The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves. He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet. One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it. The bartender exclaims: So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba! :DDDDD
Doctor help me, I've got wind.
The doctor replied:
- Here's a kite.
The doctor replied:
- Here's a kite.
Save the Polar Bears
During a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove.
"The poor polar bear," remarked the woman standing next to us.
Her husband’s slightly different reaction: "The poor guy wearing the glove."
Fate
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you." "That’s great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Feline Friendly
A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
“Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.
“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”
Misery Loves Company
A fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes … she was a mess.
"If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend.
"Because"—sneeze, cough, hack—"if I’m going to be sick, I might as well have company."
During a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove.
"The poor polar bear," remarked the woman standing next to us.
Her husband’s slightly different reaction: "The poor guy wearing the glove."
Fate
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you." "That’s great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Feline Friendly
A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
“Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.
“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”
Misery Loves Company
A fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes … she was a mess.
"If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend.
"Because"—sneeze, cough, hack—"if I’m going to be sick, I might as well have company."
Monkey Business
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."
"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"
"Would you?"
Going to the Zoo
A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don’t you just take it to the zoo?"
The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street—with the sheep. "I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.
"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I’m taking him to the movies."
Learning Tricks
A talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team.
In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.
"Run! Run!" the manager screams.
"Run?" says the horse. "If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby."
Beware of Dog
This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."
Cow Who?
Knock! Knock!Who’s there?CowCow who?Cow’s don’t "who" they "MOO"
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."
"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"
"Would you?"
Going to the Zoo
A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don’t you just take it to the zoo?"
The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street—with the sheep. "I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.
"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I’m taking him to the movies."
Learning Tricks
A talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team.
In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.
"Run! Run!" the manager screams.
"Run?" says the horse. "If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby."
Beware of Dog
This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."
Cow Who?
Knock! Knock!Who’s there?CowCow who?Cow’s don’t "who" they "MOO"
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
Millions of Years Ago
Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"
Surprise
The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me.
"I’m okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."
My wife’s response: "Who?"
A Camel's Life
Max the little camel walks into his parents’ room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. “Another one?” says his father. “That’s the second glass this month.”
Pulling Together
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy’s blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try."
The Clothes Make The Cat
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
Big Litter
“For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.”
Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"
Surprise
The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me.
"I’m okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."
My wife’s response: "Who?"
A Camel's Life
Max the little camel walks into his parents’ room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water. “Another one?” says his father. “That’s the second glass this month.”
Pulling Together
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move.
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge.
"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy’s blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try."
The Clothes Make The Cat
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
Big Litter
“For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.”
50 Terrible, Quick Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."
Identity Crisis
A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.
"A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"
The cat replies, "Um, I’m a gnome."
Guessing Game
Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.”
“An iPod?” she guessed.
“Close,” I said. “But what I’m thinking of is a little smaller.”
“A Shuffle!”
Dog Owners
A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."
A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.
"A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"
The cat replies, "Um, I’m a gnome."
Guessing Game
Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.”
“An iPod?” she guessed.
“Close,” I said. “But what I’m thinking of is a little smaller.”
“A Shuffle!”
Dog Owners
A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."
did you hear about the fire at the circus?
it was intense(in tents)
it was intense(in tents)
Here's a quiz for you!
A man drops a brick from a plane which had 500 bricks. How many are left?
If you got 500, you're correct.
How do you put an elephant in a large fridge? There are 3 steps.
If you got these steps, then you are correct:
1. Open the door
2. Put the elephant in the fridge
3. Close the door
Now, how do you put a ZEBRA in a fridge?
If you got these steps, then you are correct:
1. Open the door
2. Take out the elephant
3. Put the zebra in
4. Close the door
All species of animal (except humans) were at a gathering. However, one species had a missing animal. What was it?
The correct answer is zebra, because it's in the fridge!
A woman needs to cross a river to get to her house. A sign next to the river reads, "DANGER: Alligators! Use boat with caution." The woman swims across the river, and doesn't get injured. Why?
The answer is that the alligators were at the gathering.
After the woman gets on the other side, she dies. Why?
The answer is that the brick from the plane fell on her head.
A man drops a brick from a plane which had 500 bricks. How many are left?
If you got 500, you're correct.
How do you put an elephant in a large fridge? There are 3 steps.
If you got these steps, then you are correct:
1. Open the door
2. Put the elephant in the fridge
3. Close the door
Now, how do you put a ZEBRA in a fridge?
If you got these steps, then you are correct:
1. Open the door
2. Take out the elephant
3. Put the zebra in
4. Close the door
All species of animal (except humans) were at a gathering. However, one species had a missing animal. What was it?
The correct answer is zebra, because it's in the fridge!
A woman needs to cross a river to get to her house. A sign next to the river reads, "DANGER: Alligators! Use boat with caution." The woman swims across the river, and doesn't get injured. Why?
The answer is that the alligators were at the gathering.
After the woman gets on the other side, she dies. Why?
The answer is that the brick from the plane fell on her head.
Bitcoin is free, the biggest joke. Hahahah 
So much funny things, ty guys, u nailed it 
Check out this Vine: https://imgur.com/gallery/sSOmKqw
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