A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
Topic: Tell us a joke.... - page 8. (Read 35088 times)
Question: Using your knowledge of Freud, provide an example of when a dream represents Freud's theory.
Answer: If you dream about cookies, it means you are subconsciously thinking about sex, but if you are dreaming about sex, it means you are thinking about cookies.
Question: Freud stated that the superego contains the moral aspect of one's personality. Define the term "superego."
Answer: A toaster waffle that wears a cape and fights crime.
Question: What does the phrase "case study" mean?
Answer: It is a process whereby you sit and stare at your suitcase before you go on a trip but not knowing what to pack.
Question: "Powerful aftershocks rocked the city, fires burned out of control, streets were full of debris and ruined buildings. At least 30 people were injured." Which type of natural disaster is being described in the report?
Answer: The end of American Idol.
Question: Who was Socrates?
Answer: Socrates was a famous old greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Answer: If you dream about cookies, it means you are subconsciously thinking about sex, but if you are dreaming about sex, it means you are thinking about cookies.
Question: Freud stated that the superego contains the moral aspect of one's personality. Define the term "superego."
Answer: A toaster waffle that wears a cape and fights crime.
Question: What does the phrase "case study" mean?
Answer: It is a process whereby you sit and stare at your suitcase before you go on a trip but not knowing what to pack.
Question: "Powerful aftershocks rocked the city, fires burned out of control, streets were full of debris and ruined buildings. At least 30 people were injured." Which type of natural disaster is being described in the report?
Answer: The end of American Idol.
Question: Who was Socrates?
Answer: Socrates was a famous old greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
A Christian was very thirsty late one night while walking home from work. He opted to frequent a bar, being that was the only establishment open. He approached the bartender...
Christian: Hey, Mack, may I have a bottle of water.
Bartender (Mack): I know you?
Whereupon the the Christian couldn't leave the bar fast enough fearing for his behind.
Christian: Hey, Mack, may I have a bottle of water.
Bartender (Mack): I know you?
Whereupon the the Christian couldn't leave the bar fast enough fearing for his behind.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." 
Perhaps try again in a few days.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Females are like handgranates.
Remove the ring and the house disapears.
Remove the ring and the house disapears.
An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
In a show, a ventriloquist tells his puppet:
- Tell me, Pipo, I think you have a good story to tell! And the puppet answers:
- Oh yes! So it's the story of a blonde...
Suddenly, a blonde gets up in the middle of the room and shouts:
- Enough jokes about blondes!! It does not stop being ridiculed!
Uncomfortable, the ventriloquist replies:
- But excuse me, ma'am... You know, if we do that, it's just for fun!
The blonde replies:
- Shut up! It's not you I'm talking to; I am talking to the little one next to you!
- Tell me, Pipo, I think you have a good story to tell! And the puppet answers:
- Oh yes! So it's the story of a blonde...
Suddenly, a blonde gets up in the middle of the room and shouts:
- Enough jokes about blondes!! It does not stop being ridiculed!
Uncomfortable, the ventriloquist replies:
- But excuse me, ma'am... You know, if we do that, it's just for fun!
The blonde replies:
- Shut up! It's not you I'm talking to; I am talking to the little one next to you!
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Two boys are sitting at their desks in art class drawing pictures. One boy says:
- That drawing is ugly!
The other boy says:
- Yeah, but unlike your face, I can erase it.
- That drawing is ugly!
The other boy says:
- Yeah, but unlike your face, I can erase it.
Daddy, how was I born ? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. and that's the story.
a blessed virus 
Would've a reboot mirrored the event, thus two blessed viruses?
Feel free to express what would've happened if a rogue Trojan was in play.
Today, the teacher is giving the students lessons on pronouns. She looks to Toto, one of her worst students.
- Toto, can you please give me two pronouns? she asks.
- Who? Me? asks Toto.
- Very good, says the teacher proudly.
Thomas Edison confided in one of his assistants that if didn't get it right on the 1,000 try, his [first] wife Mary was goin' leave him. With that, the inventor went home.
The next morning after Mr. Edison hurry out of his home, the nosy neighbor lady went over to the house and held court with Mary Edison.
"What was all that screaming I heard last night, Mary?" the neighbor asked?
Mary replied, "I apologize for that, but I couldn't help myself having never experienced anything like it in my entire life. On the 1,000 attempt, dear Tom finally found the g-spot, and no matter how hard I tried to make him stop, he wouldn't quit licking."
The next morning after Mr. Edison hurry out of his home, the nosy neighbor lady went over to the house and held court with Mary Edison.
"What was all that screaming I heard last night, Mary?" the neighbor asked?
Mary replied, "I apologize for that, but I couldn't help myself having never experienced anything like it in my entire life. On the 1,000 attempt, dear Tom finally found the g-spot, and no matter how hard I tried to make him stop, he wouldn't quit licking."
"There you are! Boy, am I gonna teach you a new variant of hide-n-seek that you're simply gonna love. I see you're already dressed to play the game, so put the stick down and let's get started."
On second thought, keep the stick, for I've been a very, very, very bad boy.
A man sits in the dentist chair, absolutely terrified. He asks:
- Are you sure you can pull my tooth painlessly? © www.lettercount.com - come back tomorrow for another joke :-)
The dentist pulls down his mask and says:
- Not entirely. Like last week, I dislocated my arm.
- Are you sure you can pull my tooth painlessly? © www.lettercount.com - come back tomorrow for another joke :-)
The dentist pulls down his mask and says:
- Not entirely. Like last week, I dislocated my arm.
"There you are! Boy, am I gonna teach you a new variant of hide-n-seek that you're simply gonna love. I see you're already dressed to play the game, so put the stick down and let's get started."
How do we know for a fact that Adam and Eve were not black?
Ever try to take a rib away from a nigger?
How was copper wire invented?
Someone dropped a penny between two Jews.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because every Mexican that can run, jump or swim lives in the U.S.
Why don't asians get cataracts?
Because they prefer to drive rincolns.
Ever try to take a rib away from a nigger?
How was copper wire invented?
Someone dropped a penny between two Jews.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because every Mexican that can run, jump or swim lives in the U.S.
Why don't asians get cataracts?
Because they prefer to drive rincolns.
In context, I don't consider the first one on the LIST offensive, oppose to if their wasn't a LIST. In re. the last one, I had to first translate "rincolns" to understand "cataracts". Good one!
To be clear, the poster nor I are racists because after having met him I can safely say that if we added up the sizes of our two dicks together, we still couldn't pass our then oneself off as a N...
An oldy but a fave of mine.
A boy and a girl are taking a bath. The girl asks the boy: "Can I touch it?"
The boy says: "No way! You already broke yours off!"
A boy and a girl are taking a bath. The girl asks the boy: "Can I touch it?"
The boy says: "No way! You already broke yours off!"
Jump to: