Q. what do you call a american air conditioner that lasts for more than 1 year?
A. a import
Topic: Tell us a joke.... - page 21. (Read 35088 times)
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
When i was learning Algebra/Trigonometry in my math classes in school i always used to wonder where i'm going to use it " Another day gone and I still haven't used Algebra in my life. -.-"
Au contraire! The following was gleaned via Google:
Quote
What about when you are at the store, and are looking at 2 similar products, where one is $1.99 for 12ounces and the other is $2.49 for 18ounces. You use algebra to figure which is cheaper.
When i was learning Algebra/Trigonometry in my math classes in school i always used to wonder where i'm going to use it " Another day gone and I still haven't used Algebra in my life. -.-"
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman.
"John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to.
The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
Everybody got it?
Nice one. Actually funny unlike most others in this thread.A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman.
"John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to.
The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
Everybody got it?
How many Mark Karpeleses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, if the Goddamn developers wouldn't have fucked up the system.
None, if the Goddamn developers wouldn't have fucked up the system.
What do you do when you wake up in the middle of the night and see your tv is floating? You take your pistol and shoot just under the tv. Then call the cops that you just shot a black man trying to steal your tv Tongue
I grew up during the rabbit ears era, but what the fuck is a TV Tongue?
This guy starts a website called MtGox.......
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Ha HaHA HAHAHA HaHahaHa!
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Ha HaHA HAHAHA HaHahaHa!
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.
One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.
He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.
Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."
"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"
"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."
The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."
"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."
The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it!"
The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"
One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.
He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.
Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."
"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"
"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."
The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."
"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."
The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it!"
The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"
A woman was browsing around an antique shop one day and the sales clerk noticed her eyeing a very old, ugly mirror. He goes over to the woman and inquires, "May I help you, miss?"
"Yes," she says, "I don't understand how something that hideous could be so expensive!"
The clerk nods, understandingly, and says, "That's not just any mirror, miss, that's a magic mirror. All you have to do is hang it on your bedroom door, gaze into and say 'Magic mirror on the door...' and then state your wish and it will be granted!"
The woman rolls her eyes and scoffs at the clerk. "You've GOT to be kidding me!" she exclaims, "How stupid do you think I am?"
"That's not it at all, miss," the clerk rushes to assure her. "I am telling you the absolute truth, I swear! I tell you what...you buy that mirror and take it home and try it out. If it doesn't do exactly as I said, I'll pay you double the price to buy it back from you."
Thinking the clerk was off his rocker, the woman sees this as an easy way to make some extra money, so she forks over the cash and takes the ugly mirror home with her and hangs it on the back of her bedroom door. While she's contemplating her wish, her husband comes home and sees the mirror and immediately asks her how much it cost.
"$2500," she replied.
"$2500? For that ugly piece of shit?" he yelled.
"You don't understand, honey. It's not just some ugly old mirror. It's a magic mirror. The sales clerk told me that if I gaze into it and say 'Mirror, mirror on the door...' and say my wish, it will come true! He even promised to pay DOUBLE to buy the mirror back if it didn't work!"
The husband eyes his wife, then the mirror, then his wife again. He loves his wife and things she's beautiful, but she's always been painfully and unfortunately flat chested. So he tells his wife, "Wish for bigger tits."
The wife turns toward the mirror, gazes into it and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my bra size 44" and WHOOMP! All of a sudden her tits get so big that the buttons on her shirt pop open.
"Holy shit!" the husband shouts, "It works! Let me try it!"
So the husband stands in front of the mirror, gazes into and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor."
And all of a sudden...
His legs fell off.
"Yes," she says, "I don't understand how something that hideous could be so expensive!"
The clerk nods, understandingly, and says, "That's not just any mirror, miss, that's a magic mirror. All you have to do is hang it on your bedroom door, gaze into and say 'Magic mirror on the door...' and then state your wish and it will be granted!"
The woman rolls her eyes and scoffs at the clerk. "You've GOT to be kidding me!" she exclaims, "How stupid do you think I am?"
"That's not it at all, miss," the clerk rushes to assure her. "I am telling you the absolute truth, I swear! I tell you what...you buy that mirror and take it home and try it out. If it doesn't do exactly as I said, I'll pay you double the price to buy it back from you."
Thinking the clerk was off his rocker, the woman sees this as an easy way to make some extra money, so she forks over the cash and takes the ugly mirror home with her and hangs it on the back of her bedroom door. While she's contemplating her wish, her husband comes home and sees the mirror and immediately asks her how much it cost.
"$2500," she replied.
"$2500? For that ugly piece of shit?" he yelled.
"You don't understand, honey. It's not just some ugly old mirror. It's a magic mirror. The sales clerk told me that if I gaze into it and say 'Mirror, mirror on the door...' and say my wish, it will come true! He even promised to pay DOUBLE to buy the mirror back if it didn't work!"
The husband eyes his wife, then the mirror, then his wife again. He loves his wife and things she's beautiful, but she's always been painfully and unfortunately flat chested. So he tells his wife, "Wish for bigger tits."
The wife turns toward the mirror, gazes into it and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my bra size 44" and WHOOMP! All of a sudden her tits get so big that the buttons on her shirt pop open.
"Holy shit!" the husband shouts, "It works! Let me try it!"
So the husband stands in front of the mirror, gazes into and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor."
And all of a sudden...
His legs fell off.
Q: What did the police do when the dwarf psychic escaped from prison?
A: They issued a BOLO (be on the lookout) for a small medium at large.
Bah dum pshhhhhhhh!
Tips are welcome, I'll be here all week!
BTC: 13yhuJJ6idggJWxjN3P8TiovP9ykyvd8HH
DOGE: D8ZBtukBTZEdneniTQkbFNoqwYYCSbNSLY
CASH: EzXzSjkkcgk79XuRJGFXh6R8GzD1z5ZME8
A: They issued a BOLO (be on the lookout) for a small medium at large.
Bah dum pshhhhhhhh!
Tips are welcome, I'll be here all week!
BTC: 13yhuJJ6idggJWxjN3P8TiovP9ykyvd8HH
DOGE: D8ZBtukBTZEdneniTQkbFNoqwYYCSbNSLY
CASH: EzXzSjkkcgk79XuRJGFXh6R8GzD1z5ZME8
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman.
"John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to.
The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
Everybody got it?
Nice one. Actually funny unlike most others in this thread. A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman.
"John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to.
The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
Everybody got it?
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman.
"John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to.
The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
Everybody got it?
A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman.
"John, what happened?" Tony asks. "I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to.
The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
Everybody got it?
I don't get it 
LOL, really? You dont get it? Tell me you are joking O_O
Her tits are sagging that much that she got her nipple above her knee...
I don't get it
a man finds a genie in a bottle and gets three wishes the only catch is that his wife will get twice as much as what he wishes for so
first he wishes for a house and his wife gets two houses
second he wishes for a new car his wife gets two new cars
and lastly the man wishes for the genie to beat him half to death
get it lol
Dark Humor is strong in this one.first he wishes for a house and his wife gets two houses
second he wishes for a new car his wife gets two new cars
and lastly the man wishes for the genie to beat him half to death
get it lol
Here goes mine:
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
a man finds a genie in a bottle and gets three wishes the only catch is that his wife will get twice as much as what he wishes for so
first he wishes for a house and his wife gets two houses
second he wishes for a new car his wife gets two new cars
and lastly the man wishes for the genie to beat him half to death
get it lol
first he wishes for a house and his wife gets two houses
second he wishes for a new car his wife gets two new cars
and lastly the man wishes for the genie to beat him half to death
get it lol
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.
Suddenly, Lorraine died.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
Suddenly, Lorraine died.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, "Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen."
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you."
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you."
must read till end.. .
This is one of best suspense joke
A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!!!
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