Topic: Tell us a joke.... - page 13. (Read 35088 times)
She offered her honor. I honored her offer. All night long it was on her and off her and on her and off her.
I've just got home from the funeral of a friend that was killed when a tennis ball hit him in the head. It was a lovely service.
mah boi, this peace is what all true warrior strive for!
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
Put up your hand if you are the laziest.
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
Put up your hand if you are the laziest.
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
Next, the Sarge ask, "Which one of you men want to give me a blowjob?" The laziest man in the world quickly raised his hand. When ask why by the Sarge, the man stiffly replied, "Just tryin' to get ahead, sir!"
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
Put up your hand if you are the laziest.
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
Put up your hand if you are the laziest.
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.
One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"
"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.
"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.
At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."
The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."
One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"
"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.
"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.
At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."
The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."
Of course, during the exchange nary a soul paid attention to the two lead horses of the stagecoach practicing their photo-finish pose.
My dad always gave me the best advice throughout my life. Today he told me "Son, you need to stop masturbating, it will make you go blind over time." I said "Dad... I'm over here"
The Lawyer Keeps His Promise
A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.
A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.
The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.
The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."
A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.
A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.
The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.
The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."
Whats E.T short for?
(people say extra terrestrial)
No, because he's got little legs.
Ok I wont give up my day job
.
(people say extra terrestrial)
No, because he's got little legs.
Ok I wont give up my day job
. 
During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.
One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"
"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.
"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.
At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."
The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."
One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"
"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.
"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.
At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."
The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."
A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?"
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"
In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."
Ok, I now know two things about you.
1. You're old as the hills.
2. You don't understand that most of the members here are prepubescent boys that, even if they know who Elvis Presley is, have never heard of the 1960's song, It's now or never.
In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
my life 
...That awkward moment between birth and death...
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
nice one
How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
They both irritate the shit out of you.
Here's a quick one.
Man 1: Hey there's something in your face.
Man 2: *Taps his face* what??
Man 1: *Punches man 2 in the face* IT WAS PAIN!!!
Man 1: Hey there's something in your face.
Man 2: *Taps his face* what??
Man 1: *Punches man 2 in the face* IT WAS PAIN!!!
The Farmer's Daughters
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. As was his custom, he greeted the young suitors at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. As was his custom, he greeted the young suitors at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
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